All I wished

Well, this is definitely not the happiest post. I'm giving an initial signal before you get too indulged by my depression, my lost, my dissatisfaction.

I had been wandering a lot lately, losing focus on the last block of first year.

This whole year had been alright, at least less dramatic than the previous year. The thing is, I get less involved with people, having trust issue, deviating myself from over-commitment. I practically did not do too well in my social life. I felt alone.

Sometimes looking at those close friends I used to have, I felt depressed.

They are happily socializing with others, creating concrete bonds, attracting positive aura.

Peoples are happy to be around them, they have thousand of event invitation, new photos rushing in Face-book while I am creeping alone in my single room. Though I have more time spending with family during weekend.

The main point is, I guess I am fear of not being appreciated. Fear of being left behind. Fear of not being prioritized by others.

Here comes my dissatisfaction.

I am lost in the wall I build within.

I didn't want to be nice every time. I complained. I mumbled. I blamed the rules, regulation, society mode, the people living within.

Then I came to realize there's actually my problem that I don't know how to deal with. Here comes the depression part.

I scared people away. They don't really prefer staying beside an autonomic bomb.

I am not always happy though I smile all the time. There's always something to tingle on my nerves. I lost in the tide of reality.

I had really big issues. And I prayed for strength.

All I wished is just to be happy. It's seems easy, but the heart is hard to pleased.

Well, I need a break.

Changed to my favorite song of Jay Chou- Qing Tian.

Toun