童言彤语SeCret

Being alone

2012-01-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like being left behind? Not having same topics with the others for quite some time? Left out for numerous parties and celebrations? Not in the popular groups?

Well, You are just being diagnosed with the "All alone" syndrome and Welcome to the team, mate!

Alright, I admitted it is not too bad yet. But for a popular freak (Once upon a time) like me, I might just die off. But hell yeah, I just kept going! Good thing to be grateful of.

Is just that sometimes I felt really alone in the deserted shore of no where. I still feel the same way. Looking upon the same faces, I don't really fit in. I mean I do make new friends and make a good impression. But here? Nah, I'm anti-social. Or should I say pro-solitary?

In either way, you can picture my world. Practically, not all part of my world is so pathetic, I do have my great hang out times with my best friends and all. But, sometimes University life is so darn lonely. Not having someone you can talk with, someone that you can rely on, someone that you feel like they will support you despite any circumstances. Where's all these good people?

A little part of me die everyday there. And it is so ironic that I have to endure it as part of my passionate chasing dream journey. I love being a medical student=) Learning all these biology and human-logy stuff is just simply impressing! But the place where I am.I still don't feel like fitting in.

Sad, I know. But what else I can really do beside being alone? Well, better be alone than in bad company, I remember.

But sometimes, really sometimes. You just hope that someone will remember you, That's it. Having your back being supported. Knowing that if you drown, there will be a hand of helping.

Sadly, this is not Convent Bukit Nanas. There will be no one rushing through to help. There will be no one wasting their precious times go crazy with you.

I guess I just have to be alone. It's just a feeling anyhow, I will go through it.

Just God, bring me some really good new friends? Alright. I still need someone to talk to. You know?

Happy Chinese New Year, Peeps! Though I know there's no one reading.

Sin Toun

Attachment

2011-12-27T04:20:00.000-08:00

I lost pretty much things in the year of 2011. I lost my beloved notebooks, my favorite novel of all time and lacking in my account management skills. It might be a very tiny thing to you but for me, it felt like I had been missing a part of me and some part just died off.

I am not making up big stories. Then I realize I have really strong attachment to things.

I can order the same menu over and over again without feeling bored.

I can cry over and over again on the same story.

I can hold on to things even when they left.

Then I remembered some friends I used to have. It's tough at the beginning to live on your own, especially I am such a chewing gum person. I feel like crying when I walk. But I did moved on. But it is never easy.

I took so long to adapt, convincing myself that those good times are just illusions, then make myself forget. Forget that I used to be friends, forget all those good memories that we used to share. Forget about everything that could made me sad.

I don't want to. But sometimes I just have to.

I don't know how to get rid of these attachment. Besides piling up my room, they also occupied most of my mind and time and heart to put in new things. I have friends that have no attachment at all.

But if it wasn't this attachment, can I still hold on to my dreams that long? I never knew.

All I prayed is a better year and no more missing stuff.

Thank God that what I missed was simply just things, not the one I loved. Please bless them with good health.

By then.

Atoun

The Fullest

2011-12-09T23:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Toun:

Well, I would say you're really lucky for the mid-course assessment. Now, since we had already come to last week of the killing central nervous system block, you should continue to work harder.

2 weeks of not going home on weekend, I know you missed home, missed your best friends, missed your town. So let make all these longings a worthy one.

It's not going to be a piece of cake. But if you study real hard and give your very best, I'm sure you can. Just try harder and give your fullest. The rest leaves it to faith and God.

All you need to do is stop procrastinating, stop sleeping non-stop and

stop worrying. Have a little faith, be happier and contented. It's going to be alright.

Alright Toun, start roaring your engine and fly like a G6! Everything is possible if you believe in yourself.

And I do.

Toun

Striking for Greatness

2011-11-24T06:04:00.001-08:00

It's a lot. More than a lot. But it's interesting.

Alright, just admit that you can't finish it even though you start from Day 1. And now you don't. So, stop worrying, and just study=)

You can do it! Toun, I know you always do! Have a little more faith!

Holidays!!

2011-11-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

Just to let you know, I am emphasizing my title! And it's actually helping my dear husband, Mr Jay Chou in promoting his latest album! It reminds me of Professor Khin as well, hope she is enjoying her break back to Myanmar.

I am having my mid semester break! How nice! Yet, good new always come with bad one. I have my mid-course assessment of Central Nervous system next Friday and I have 17 slides to catch up. Great!! And It's already Wednesday and I have girls hang out and it's My dearest birthday tomorrow! I'm definitely running out of time.

So, Sin Toun! Please start your engine now and keep it running! It's a great opportunity to study and you definitely can score if you study! So why waste chances? Come on, Study alright!

God, Who study in holidays? T.T

Wish me luck in resisting holidays temptations! I definitely have many days of fun already! Now let's start studying.

Toun

As I walk through

2011-10-27T01:20:00.000-07:00

As I go through the days, counting off one by one, I was scared. Terribly depressed as I knew I am not prepared at all for the mid-course assessment. I didn't know the reason why, but it just seems like 24 hours of mine squeeze through tiny slits and vanish into air despite how hard I tried to grab.

Is it because I have a person to talk with in the room? Does it really make a difference? I don't know. Trying to stay as optimistic as I can, but it just seems so hard.

Then it comes with the usual routine again, studying non-stop, skipping slides, targeting questions with my intuition. Then Friday came, with me sitting beside a person I used to knew so well. Distractions and distractions. Stress and stress in the house. I dislike people focusing on me. Probably because I really wanted to be invisible.

But deep down in the core, I knew I wasn't. I want to be the best, be the great! Be the one when people thought of my name, they will first associate it with my achievements. I want to be, then it comes the fear of failure, the fear of not being good enough. Then my brain stop accelerating, my heart complaining and I don't know how to restart it. I just don't know how. Then I screw up my test, felt so depressing, felt so tiny and inferior. All I wanted to do is just cry and hide myself down the blanket.

Well, every sad story has a turning point. Then it comes so perfectly well with real steel. Have not watched that show yet? You might want to considered booking it now and watch it real quick. It's seem like just another story, but the messages I received when I was sitting on the couch was incredibly inspiring. Yes, the thing that keep me going till now was none other but my determination, perseverance and courage. Sometimes, i thank God for my blur-ness because of that I am always quite slow in picking up things, I am always too slow to quit, then I just have to keep going. Maybe that's the only thing I am good with.

I soon realized that I am the great Sin Toun not because I am super smart or genius. It's just because I stick longer than others to problems, to questions, to what I wanted to be. It's just that I am so scared and so fear of failing off because I was on top of the hill for so long that I forgot that I need to keep myself down to earth. (There's the reason I changed my blog title too) I want to remind myself to be humble, to keep myself low profile, to be empty. I wasn't.

I thought I was so freaking smart. Not studying every single day, procrastinating, studying last minutes, hold on to my so-called intuition and more often, not finishing my slides? Like WTH! And I keep convincing myself that it is going to work somehow every time, because you see I am quite smart? WTH, Loh Sin Toun!

So, you still have like one week to make it happen! I want you to be the best of yourself, not others. You keep going, that's the point. You keep trying until the end of your life. Well, you might not be the ultimate winner at the end, but at least you have tried your best and there's no regrets. Go, Toun! I always believe you are great and you can do it!

Give yourself a big hug and thanks yourselves for working so hard for the past 2 years, now you are going to continue the hard works, grabbing those dean lists and make the best out of you.

Ignore the others. For what they're trying to do, trying to pull you down. You ain't going down, you're always down to earth. Stays foolish, stays hungry.

I know you can.

Sin Toun

Happy Birthday

2011-10-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

What else to say? Happy 20th Birthday TOUN!

Haha, Well, I act like I am someone not you. But still Happy Birthday, I hope you enjoy the day as much as I do.

God loves you. Every year birthday, you have new friends coming along to celebrate your day!

Maybe it wasn't very grand or what so. But I like the feeling of getting really acquainted with the closed ones.

I hope you are happy! And don't be miserable anymore=)

You're great! Just keep in mind ok?

There's a quote I want to share with you.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

Toun, Dream Wild and the World shall go wild along with you!

Love you much<3

Say Hello to Goodbye

2011-09-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Hello! Well, i'm feeling smurfing awesome these days! I couldn't explain the reason why, but my heart felt a little lighter, happier and funnier. Yeah, funnier!

There's actually a death passing-by experience occurred just before my finals on Friday.

I met with a snatch thief who held a knife and probably will stab me right in my abdomen or chest if I didn't followed his instruction.

He sounded just like those movies you can imagine or maybe seen before. Creepy.

Thank God! Though I thought i wasn't blessed always by God, my life was saved once again after that jumping bus incidence when I was 15.

I managed to ran away from the thief, getting helps from those passer-by and managed to enjoy my Vietnam trip.

I wasn't feeling scare until the night when I went to sleep. If he came from my back or if he just put the knife on my throat before I get to think of any way to escape?

Thank God I'm alive!

Went to Vietnam for 4 days 3 nights vacation won from lucky draw! Thanks to Microsoft.

Actually I was kind of worried about that trip as I had some free leisure times on my own with mummy, so I searched all the possible places to visit, to eat and to shop just that keep the options opened.

The hotel is perfect! I love the shower room except for the part mummy complained about it's ventilation system which can be improved further.

The tour guide and personal driver are alright. We have personal driver who drove a nice Toyota Vios! I love the car part except that our tour guide seem a little boring and sleepy all the time. He wasn't funny as I expected and maybe it just made the trip a little more less looked forward.

Never mind. The food was alright but I prefer hot and spicy Malaysian foods! I wasn't a beef eater, so most of the foods we can't really tried.

Their coffee are superb! You can't find those filtered style of coffee in Starbucks. But you can have it here with your own way! You can mixed the beans, add in milk or without, have it served hot or chill. You choose your own way!

The people. Some are really friendly and helpful but very least I supposed.

Got cheated by cyclo-man the very first day when we arrived. Wanted to charge us RM200 for 2 person ride. We managed to cut it down to RM40 for 2 but we refused to believe any of them after that.

Well, not only that. I got cheated by postcard seller also! And she speak Chinese! It's not a very pleasant experience.

Everything charged and raised up for visitors. If you can't speak in Vietnamese, then your price would be so different from the locals, doubled or tripled up the amount. And If you don't buy from them, they scolded you in Vietnamese, giving you all sort of unfriendly faces. I have lots of unpleasant experiences dealing with the locals there. Honestly, I wouldn't go back again.

Anyhow, I managed to have a run-away trip which is rather costly. But, well! There's nothing much precious to have a trip with your mummy along!

I watched the cartoons this holiday! Cars 2 isn't that impressive as before. The Smurf is so cute! Well, luckily the Smurfs are cute! They save the whole movie!

I'm smurfing offline-ing!

Till then.

Smurftraordinary (It's mean extraordinary!) Well, it's my name in Smurf village!

It's time

2011-08-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's time to get the engine roars.

I knew how regret I am about the wasted weekends. Practically my sister said I slept through the weekends.

Maybe the spirit wasn't there at its place. I just don't know how and why.

This time, hematology just does not impressed me like I wished.

But I am still hoping and will strive through.

God, help me. It's just another 4 more days before holiday!

And I know I will be just fine. Keeping faith.

You can do this, Toun!

I miss you, Dear Felicia Soo. A lot.

Toun

Terminated

2011-08-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

Well, things just gone worst these days.

But fortunately I know it will get better. Weird? I just felt it will.

I found myself quite weird these days. I have my driving classes! And unlike those who drove for the first time, I felt comfortable driving on the road as if I'm an experienced driver.

I learn to swim too and it felt too as if I used to swim.

Well, I'm feeling that I'm "used to" being a doctor too. Felt so excited these days to learn because finally I feel like belongs to the place I'm supposed to be.

Though the environment was not the one I desired. But I'm trying hard to be contented and grateful.

I forgot to reload my digi number and just found out yesterday that it got terminated.

Well, 8 years. I had been using that number for a long 8 years. I'm unlikely the person who opt for changes but I'm learning to letting go, not getting too attached to things like i Used to.

My mood got ruined down but I fix it all before ruining others too. So, Farewell 016-3680173. Thank you for these long years for connecting me with my friends. And forgive me.

Finals coming and This time, I don't know how to study. So Pray for me, I'm needing a lot of faith and luck!

Offline.

Toun

That should be me

2011-08-05T07:02:00.001-07:00

"You do not understand how important it is to me! That should be me! Why is God so unfair?!" holding his fist, he was like an angry beast. One moment, the medals he once treasured split into pieces.

"All these useless shxt! Couldn't get me into Yale! Now what am I supposed to do? Tell me, what am I supposed to do!" Flame shooting from his stares, but I knew it's not the anger that saddened him the most, but the overwhelming disappointment of not getting into his desired University.

"I'm not asking much, all I wanted is just to be on the same level as others. Why is it so tough? How am I going to be a good doctor when I am trained in this crappy place!"

"Am I not good enough? I'm not good enough." Mumbling to himself, Mark buried his face between his knee. Silence returned with a salty smell swirling in the air.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. Headache strike once again.

He is my son, Mark, 20 this year;hoping to be like his mother- a doctor. He inherited my dream, but also some bad features of me- tied by own expectation. His application to Yale was turned down. Though he was offered a full scholarship in another university near the border of States, he was disappointed.

Genetic is one strange thing. I was not a graduate from a five-star medical university either . Well, I could say not even a 3-star ones. When I was still a young fresh medical student, I had many sleepless nights, having endless questions in my mind.

Am I good enough to heal? Maybe I should revised my statement. Am I as good as the others?

I worked very hard; pushing myself up to the limit.

Yes, I was one of the best students but I was not happy at all. Not even near to happy. I was worried. Not being as good as the others because I didn't had the best training ground, the best medical team, the best medical exposure.

But, look at me now. I'm living my life just like what's i had dream of during the younger days. All's well that ends well.

"Doc Sarah, you are required in room 203." The mother's baby had just been diagnosed as Down Syndrome.

As I walked through the passageway, my mind was still occupied with Mark's disappointed face. I couldn't tell him to be satisfied when I took so long to be contented.

To forgive ourselves for not being as good as the others, To forget what Life should had been offered us; To forget how unlucky we are for not getting what we deserved. To forgive and forget, how many courage we required.

Reached. I hold the baby in my arm. Sleeping he is, small and tiny. Down Syndrome- Fallen angle without their wings.

While I am still thinking how pity he is, he held my thumb, slowly crawling his little finger over mine. He wasn't able to do that actually, but he did.

Then I remembered the story of a broken leg soldier who prayed in front of wishing well. People was asking is he praying for his leg to be normal again? But indeed he was praying to God to show him how is he going to live his life with a broken leg.

Acceptance.

He might not be the smartest boy with his limitation, but he will be the brightest of all.

"Dear Mark, we often said "That should be me!" "I'm supposed to be in his place!". We blamed life, saying how unlucky we are for not getting what we deserved. But dear, aren't God show us another window? Who say that you will not be as good as those 5-stars graduate?

First, we need to accept that sometimes things' weren't always the way we wanted them to be. We try to plan the route we thought will be the best for us, if we deviate from the path, we felt angry and dissatisfied. But aren't these routes lead us to the same destination? We still fulfill our dream, we still been granted a chance to pursue those ambitions. Just that the road we took to reach that point is different from what we planned. Sometimes, these changes are meant for you to grow stronger. Maybe God thinks you need a little more training than the others.

Dear Mark, I wished you best of luck in your future encountered. May God bless you.

Mum"

Definitely it will takes some time to forgive and forget. But tough times don't last, we tough people do.

Sarah

Best of luck!

2011-06-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well, my 1st year practically end in the time frame of one week, or maybe less than a week. Finals is on Thursday.

I am really really running on time considering I didn't focus well on few weeks back then. My schedule was really scarring!

Instead of studying, I practically spend my Saturday doing poster and well, Packing!

It's time to get started! I knew how much I miss home, so lets just finish the year with flying colour.

All the efforts spent, let's make it all worthwhile! It's just one more exam! I can do this!

Jay Chou is just super near to the place I grow up. I always wanted to see him live in person. It's quite sad that I couldn't put away all the stuffs and chase behind him. But if I can, I knew I wouldn't spent my time chasing. Because I knew my priority and because of I knew, I'm sure he will be proud of me!

So, Finals here I come!

And Best of luck to Chan and Felicia For their upcoming exams!! Finger-crossed!

Toun

学会沉默

2011-05-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

I shared a note in Face-book yesterday. Sometimes I wonder is it me who is hard and uneasy to go along? Maybe is true. Maybe I demanded too much in a relationship and I couldn't be the perfect friend for anyone but myself.

I'm sorry. It's nothing much I can say to defend myself or declare anything because those who matter don't care and those who care does not matter. You doubted on me and I don't think words could make anything better since you don't believe me in the first place. I'm sorry for turning my back on you.

For You who changed your final words last minute in front of everyone and put all the blame on me. I didn't know what to say. I understand that you might afraid that she will be mad at you and so you said you didn't knew anything. Well, there's apparently many things that you knew. You made your own decision and I didn't manipulate any of it. I'm sorry if I shouted at you but you could have repaid me in a less hurtful manner.

For now, silent seems to be the best things that I can do. Yes, I will take all your blame, anger and dissatisfaction because I knew one day, everyone will understand.

Friends are best friends when they are friends. But when best friends stab a knife on you, just take it and leave because friendships are capable of ending because there's no friendship at the beginning.

Toun@ Healing

有时候，你被人误解，你不想争辩，所以选择沉默。本来就不是所有的人都得了解你，因此你认为不必对全世界喊话。却也有时候，你被最爱的人误解，你难过到不想争辩，也只有选择沉默。全世界都可以不懂你，但他应该懂，若他竟然不能懂，还有什么话可说？生命中往往有连舒伯特都无言以对的时刻，毕竟不是所有的是非都能条列清楚，甚至可能根本没有真正的是与非。那么，不想说话，就不说吧，在多说无益

的时候，也许沉默就是最好的解释。

All I wished

2011-05-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

Well, this is definitely not the happiest post. I'm giving an initial signal before you get too indulged by my depression, my lost, my dissatisfaction.

I had been wandering a lot lately, losing focus on the last block of first year.

This whole year had been alright, at least less dramatic than the previous year. The thing is, I get less involved with people, having trust issue, deviating myself from over-commitment. I practically did not do too well in my social life. I felt alone.

Sometimes looking at those close friends I used to have, I felt depressed.

They are happily socializing with others, creating concrete bonds, attracting positive aura.

Peoples are happy to be around them, they have thousand of event invitation, new photos rushing in Face-book while I am creeping alone in my single room. Though I have more time spending with family during weekend.

The main point is, I guess I am fear of not being appreciated. Fear of being left behind. Fear of not being prioritized by others.

Here comes my dissatisfaction.

I am lost in the wall I build within.

I didn't want to be nice every time. I complained. I mumbled. I blamed the rules, regulation, society mode, the people living within.

Then I came to realize there's actually my problem that I don't know how to deal with. Here comes the depression part.

I scared people away. They don't really prefer staying beside an autonomic bomb.

I am not always happy though I smile all the time. There's always something to tingle on my nerves. I lost in the tide of reality.

I had really big issues. And I prayed for strength.

All I wished is just to be happy. It's seems easy, but the heart is hard to pleased.

Well, I need a break.

Changed to my favorite song of Jay Chou- Qing Tian.

Toun

I aim big!

2011-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

It's finals for musculoskeletal system in less than 20 hours. I have many and many slides remained unhighlighted and untouched. Even though those touched just seem a little foreign to me.

Had been trembling for the past few days, thinking How am I going to score on Friday? And It seems to me that Friday is tomorrow and honestly, I have not really work my ASSX Off it!

So, So in less than these 20 hours, I am going to make my time worthy. I can definitely go back to sleep providing that I require another 15 more marks to pass, but I will not. Because I aim big, I can either go to sleep now and touch nothing or concentrate and focus on something that probably going to come out tomorrow.

Even though the probability is uncertain, but life is definitely not something that is easy to score every time. So, officially! My engine roars!

Finger-crossed for me. I knew is a little too crazy to go into examination hall without completing all the slides. But at this moment, I am still able to pull myself through? Isn't that very brave of me? (Nah, trying to make myself better)

Ok, end post of 199th! Hope tomorrow is a bright and sunny day for a good score in finals!

Gambateh, Toun! You can do this!

Toun

How do I

2011-04-13T06:08:00.000-07:00

How do I say goodbye, when there are so much more to say

How do I feel happy, when all the faces I once knew were all missing

How do I feel relief, when my friends were treated with no mercy

How do I fulfill my dream, when the passions nurtured turns to cruelty

How do I pretended to be alright, when my heart was bleeding

How do I smile, when what I see is just sorrow with no endings

--How Do I--

Toun

Keep Fighting!

2011-04-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know why. But it seems I am slacking day by day.

I know I have to keep fighting to survive in the battle, What's more to sacrifice when you are aiming high?

I know I have to and I kept telling myself to work on it.

But it's just so tiring. It's just so exhausting that all I want is just to sleep.

But I can't because I never give up.

There's a lot of times and hurdles that made me felt so disappointed and wanted to quit. But I didn't. It's takes a lot of effort and strength to put me where I am now.

I can't and I will not.

Because I am Mrs Chou and I never ever give up.

Work hard, Toun! It's just 3 more nights to strive through! You can do this!

All I need

2011-03-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

Had another electric-breakdown yesterday. I didn't managed to covered up the readings, but I did completed one and a half modules. It's was not a very good progress, but I will try harder.

I guess I'm just very afraid for there's so much of things that I have to know and there's so much of blank in my big picture of this endocrine system. It's not easy, I can assure. But nothing's exciting is easy.

So, I just need to keep working hard and do my very best. It's not the outcome that matters the most, it's the courage to keep working hard that worth the pain.

Here I am, giving myself a little more faith injection, hoping everything will be just fine. I might not be there yet, but at least I'm closer than I was yesterday.

Smile, Toun and remember you are great Mrs Chou!

All I need is just a little more faith=)

It's just another bad experience

2011-03-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

I found pictures on tumblr simply stunning. Found myself bursting into tears.

It's just another bad experience, things will definitely get better.

It's not that tough actually when you had a really bad exposure before.

But I wonder why there isn't any best B friends that willing to walk with me in the shadow?

I guess I just have blessed with best buddies and they have to restrict the numbers.

Anyhow, good bye. It's not that hard anymore to say this when you have your preventive measures on.

I am not the one that is easily to get beaten anymore though last time I was a silly fool.

Dear Toun

2011-02-24T04:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Toun:

It had been a pretty tough week, a lot of things happening which were all beyond your control.

You want to kept going, but something feels like blocking. It's a strange and unpleasant feeling.

You had been spending time unwisely and all you did is keep sleeping. You just feel tired all the time.

I know you're very exhausted but breaks are coming. It's just 4 more days, you definitely have plenty of times to make things work out or be better.

You just need to keep believing, you're great as who you are!

Stop worrying and start revision. I knew there are more than enough drugs to be memorized and understand their mechanisms. But you can do this.

Work hard Toun!

Toun

Duol

2011-02-13T00:06:00.000-08:00

I had done this uncountable times and I doubt the statement of you will be much familiar of a routine if you had done them many times before. I still found my sweat glands overstimulated and my pupils dilated as to grab as many lights out there as possible. It's not something contagious but in the small meeting room, I am confident that many of them are experiencing more severe symptoms than I do.

" Darrel Muntel, Rebecca Lim Tze Wei and the last name will be Mustafar Al-Gosh. Those name that I called, you can leave the room now." While I finished my sentences, I heard the overwhelming relief from the crowd but not for those who still sitting in front of me, waiting for the judgement of their fate. I silently spoke to the little bumming heart, asking it to calm down as I slowly delivered the decision made by the panel committee regarding housemanship extension.

"We had observed you thoroughly throughout your performance and concluded that you have not met our expectations. You are required to extend your services for another 1 year. I hope you appreciate this opportunity." I avoided those disappointment in their eyes and started to walk out of the room, ignoring all the chaos that followed my statement. It is just another day that I deal with reality, that's it. But my wishes were not being granted as my thought was disturbed by this firm voice from behind.

"Prof, may I know how are we being graded? What's the criteria? I am not supposed to be here! I worked so hard for the last 12 months, my on-calls were the highest! This is so unfair, even Darrel who always made stupid mistakes got pass!" Frustration and irritation, those twos that I hate the most.

"It's means that you have not work hard enough as we expected you to. You have only one chance and you did not grab it tight. We are not waiting you to grow up, doctors. You lost the opportunity, that's it. My final word. Life is fair, just that you are the one treated yourself unfair." I tried to hide those emerging emotions in my voices, trying to sound as polite as I could.

"Please, prof. I just did one mistake, that's it. I promised I will work harder this time, just give me another one shot. You can't be that cruel, I can't bear for another extension again. I had been extended for the past 3 years, I am supposed to be a qualified doctor not a working-like-a-dog houseman! Please, prof. I beg you."

"It's our final decision. Everyone only have one shot. This life is a war, not like those sand castles that you can rebuilt. All or none. Make your preparations now and talk to me next time."

I wanted to ended this soon as I have another meeting to catch. I started to adjust my speed and walk to the end of the room as soon as possible without letting those emotions buried me. Within another 10 seconds, I am in my room. But surprisingly, his voice and face appearing and haunting my thoughts. I fall back to my seats, massaging both temple and trying to regain my conscious.

" Prof., you can't do this to Michelle. Her mother went into a sudden surgery and she had to missed the on-calls. She worked very hard for this, prof. Just give her another shot, please."

"Remember this, life is a war, a battle. Only those who get prepared all the times get to survive. We are not talking about winning, but just to survive. Winning requires more skills than that. If you are not prepared and hoping to escape the predators, I'm sorry but you are going to fail and get yourself killed. That's the final decision." The next morning, Michelle jump from a building, ended her own life. The last thing that she told me over the phone the night before was, "Sarah, it's okay. I understand, this is the way how the world is operated. It's just that we're too naive. Good bye, dear. I wish you best of luck."

Being traumatized, I realized that although we had been reminding among ourselves to nurture the passion to care and love the others, we had been reminded by our religion that we should not hate others nor harm them, but we ourselves had created a world of no mercy.

This is the world we had been created. This is the world we wanted our children to inherit. This is the reality that we had to teach our children in order to survive. A reality that we had to be selfish, to put our benefits in priority over the others, to build our success and happiness on other's sorrow and failure. This is a world of no mercy.

I walked out of my room, having to known that the student who still believe that the society has empathy just involved in an accident as he ran out of the road and hit by a car. I knew that the one that broken was not his arms, but the heart and soul. He will soon realize this life is not a sweet battle. He will then become another me.

Sarah

(Inspired by an incident happening to me lately. I deeply apologize for any grammar mistake as my thoughts were disturbed much by that. To those who came across this, I truly hoped that we all can made this through though some of us might be leaving the others. God bless.)

(Duol means sorrow in literature extent.)

Dear Toun

2011-01-23T08:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Toun,

I knew there are still thousand or maybe million miles to go. You might found yourself exhausted and tired to keep going anymore, I fully understand that.

But please keep your faith, remember who you truly are=) You can still do this!

I need you to stay focus, everything will be just fine.

Take a deep breathe, go to bed and have a good rest.

There are probably lots of microbes to read on and thousand of them to memorized. But you have big mouth to swallow them off and not forgetting your great great buddies!

Keep going, Toun! You still have plenty of times to make things work out!

Finger crossed.

Toun

The Spotlight

2010-12-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

She was imagining the posture of the ostrich where they buried themselves into this hole whenever they sensed danger. Wrapped around herself, she tried hard to hypnotize the little heart in her chest that was bumping so hard that she felt it might dropped out any time. Her world was extremely quiet and she still can remember the summer day where her mother brought her over the garden to catch crickets.

"Bang! How dare you do such an embarrassing thing? Which part of this house made you felt so unsatisfied? Answer me, BXXXX..." The smashing of glasses broke the silence in her own world. She saw her parents were fighting, pushing each other so hard that she can felt the warmness of blood flooding over her mother's head. She buried herself deep into her arm, trying to seek last piece of serene she once had, the last strand of happiness that she once owned.

"Melissa, today's your big day. Poor little girl, hopefully this time you can make it," the principal slowly guided her through the stairs. All she matters is the doll in her arm, she named it Belle. Maybe the sympathy in the principal's eye was so obvious that God too shows empathy towards this little girl. She was being adopted by this pair of couples who both are prominent artists in the society. But she was really quiet, it's seems like she doesn't know how to speak. Always seem sitting in the corner, burying her head in arms. Her world was unbreakable.

Maybe the society is the one that needs help. Her unique style of drawings draw great attention, she was nominated the most talented young artist in the century. She couldn't understand the reason neither. The drawings of hers were all painted in dark colours, just one look and you can felt the sorrow that cannot be hidden under those stroke of brushes. Everyone was attracted and addicted to the sorrow feelings where they re-explored the darkest moments in their life.

She tried to blend in with the society knowing that her adopted parents will be much relief. They were very worried because she always seem alone and couldn't interact much with the others. She made more friends, attended the parties and tried to be as socialize as she could.

One day, she was crossing the road with this red umbrella. Ideas struck through her mind, she ran back and completed the first drawing that used bright colour.

I ran into her gallery in a rainy day, was attracted by this drawing- A girl holding a red umbrella standing in the middle of the road. I felt as in she was being drowned by peoples passing by her. She was standing beside me as I was analyzing the drawing.

Unconsciously, I asked :" What's the name of this drawing?"

She replied: "The spotlight was not for me. If you look into her eyes, you will understand."

I couldn't understand her that time.

Today I am again standing right in front of this drawing. Finally I knew, it is "all alone".

Toun

I let them to die

2010-12-18T16:47:00.000-08:00

Browsing through senior slides, only I realize I forgot to print one of the lecture's slide which made me half dead while doing my 1st assessment and blaming-self mistakes.

I will pull myself together- Priority set and I'm sorry if you are not listed.

No point holding on to the things That I had already let go of.

Maybe once you expected I'm still waiting on the corner wanting you to turn back and look at me, I'm not the same person anymore. Goodbye, I'm not going back December and change my own mind.

Toun

Striving Through

Supermutant

2010-12-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

This time I feel so uncertain, all I did was crying over the phone saying I can't finish the reading.

And then sunshine came in, I remembered I once believe that somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blues and the dreams I dream will come true.

I flipped across the slides, feeling nothing in my grasp. But this time, I guess I just have to do my best and the rest leave it to faith.

Although I knew I can do better, but for now this is the 100% that I can give.

Wish me luck for Pathology=)

Toun

Dear Jay Chou

2010-12-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Jay Chou:

Hello, Darling! You Have been working perfectly well till now for more than the past 16 months. But there had been this infectious agent going around attacking the laptop lately and it worries me a lot. Just so you know, we just encountered the blue screen and I was so afraid that you might crashed and bid goodbyes. Please, my dear. Stay healthy and we shall fight the disease together. I'm sorry for treating you not well sometimes, but please noted that I love you now and always. Lets just pray for the best and we shall set backup for you. Take care, dear.

Toun

Duality

2010-11-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

"Sarah, Melinda drop by today with her husband, Derrick. She had been admitted to psychiatric department-schizophrenia."

Unconsciously, I tilted my head and started to recalled back the locked memories carefully kept all these years. Mel was our very best friend in college last time while we were all freshmen in exposing to real medical studies. Life had been hectic as I recalled, the only entertainment we had back in those days was Friday movie! Maybe not long before we had our 6 month-survival celebration, Mel gave us a boom on the head. She was getting married and will be migrating soon to the State.

It had been more than a decade and she never fails to surprise us once again.

"So, how can we help her? I just couldn't understand how this thing happened. She has a great life, isn't it? Great career, good family relationship."

"Mel is dealing with her divorce lately. "

"Doc. Clementine. You are required in room 109 now." "Nature" calls again defined by Tine.

"Talk to you later, Sarah. Nature call."

I headed to a different direction while utilizing my little free time to do some thinking again. Looking back at Mel, I saw a reflection of myself. I am still not scoring well in dealing with death. They influence me little by little like infection. It eaten me up from inside.

Like my career halt somewhere hanging in middle air. I couldn't find joy and passion like I used to. And sometimes I felt like quitting. Peoples often said you wouldn't get disappointed if you don't have any expectations. True enough, but what is life without expectation of better tomorrow? Isn't that hope brought us advancement, innovation and most importantly courage in turning lemons into lemonade.

I want to be the best in my own range. Yet sometimes it just felt so frustrated when you failed to achieve that.

"I need a rest. I will be back on Monday morning." I hang up the call and left some memo notes. Safety precaution to avoid faulty police report on missing people.

What else are there in life to offer me? I walked to my favorite spot in town, a corner coffee shop. They make the best mocha.

Having no one you can rely on really do drive us to steep hill. It reminds me of Mel. Peoples just lost connection so easily. Maybe we should really implant blue-tooth.

I reached out for my cell and dialed the hot-spot numbers.

Took a snip of my mocha, I looked into their eyes.

True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient. It's about being there when it is not.

Sarah

Heartless

2010-11-06T06:12:00.000-07:00

Hello, peeps=) I know I should update this like more frequently, but things just did not fit in my schedule that well. Anyhow, Here I am because I have a great news to share!

Jay Chou is having his 4th concert In Malaysia on 4th and 5th March 2011! I am so going to meet him=) And Being grateful, thanks to Mr.JPA!

Holidays officially end tomorrow and rewind back the past few days, all I did was worrying non-stop but luckily still managed to enjoy my holidays. Maybe staying at home, having good sleep and of course great foods are great enjoyment too. I just felt so lazy to walk around the mall, maybe is because the missing of my great great "kaki lepak". First week lecture still officially undone, had been working out my schedule since Tuesday. But kept postponing due to unavoidable reason like falling sick on this eleventh hour? Even the body get alarmed of this tense state.

Maybe I should get less worried. Just see what happened on Friday for finals. I had been reading very slowly and revising like a snail. Maybe what I really need is faith and confidence. Just be more optimistic, worrying will not let you progress faster. Good luck Felicia and also Toun! We Will make this through XD

“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever"

I found you, Within me

2010-10-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

It's getting darker and I felt the air around becoming more humid and the sticky feeling. Uncomfortable. I was searching for something. I couldn't tell what it is, but I knew it is something very important, not just anything that worth fighting my life for. Dropped within a black hole, dark water was drowning me deeper and deeper without allowing me to breathe. My sensation now was just water accumulates inside my ear canal and I saw myself, sitting on a swing with my mother. Tiny, little me with the big plastic spectacles trying to put his endless weight on my nose.

"Beep.Beep.Doc Sarah, you have an emergency in room 211. Sam's heartbeat just stopped 30 seconds ago." I withdraw from this weird sensation and grab my stethoscope. Heading my ways to little Sam. This time, I felt no confidence at all. "Sarah, what is happening right now? Sam's face appearing purplish and I was just off to canteen for a drink. I swear it was not more than 5 minutes." "Calm down, Tim.I need to put Sam in theater right now."

My hand was sweating like an open pipe again. Tim's face reflects on the mirror and I turn over to look into Sammy's eyes. Remained close, this is not good. She just had her heart transplant last week and her conditions were very satisfying before this. "Prepared for defibrillator," I guess we had just lost her. "10.10pm, declared." The dead straight line just reminds me of how painful it was for Tim out there waiting for a miracle.

"Sorry, Tim. I tried my best."

"Sarah, you promised me. You said the heart transplant was nothing bad but all good to Sam. I put all the trust on you. Don't you dare to say sorry, save my Sam!"

"Tim, I need you to listen to me. The surgery has its own risk to be bear. We really did tried."

"Now, you are saying something, Sarah."

All Tim's anger just bloated off, I was very tired after the lost battle. I couldn't control the thoughts.

"You see, Tim. This is a hospital and every single minute, someone died. You just have to accept the fact and move on. I'm sorry for your lost but we tried our best."

"You'r not the Sarah I used to know. Where's your wings? Now I only see devil in front of me. You changed. Just like every single person I met."

Walking back. Collapsed. Tim's words just kept playing in my minds, struck hammering. Lost. And I saw myself again. This time I can felt her. I mean me in a much smaller version. She was wearing this flowery dress I liked the most. Blue with white laces.

"Come over and play with me, Sarah. You looked sad." I walked towards her with disbelief. How could she able to speak with me? These is just some weird dream. I am not supposed to utilize my five senses.

"Sarah, do you remember this place? You said this is your memory lane. Your sources of happiness."

"Who are you? This is all some dramas right? I must be affected much by Sam's death and now I have to make an appointment with psychiatric department. I must be crazy!"

"I am you."

"Alright, say it again. What You are me? Impossible. My little girl, you must stop telling me all these and get back to home early so that mummy wouldn't worry about you. "

"Why are you feeling sad, Sarah? Are you feeling lost? Like no where to go in this big big world? Not even a corner that you can fits in. You felt so intense with Tim's words because you found you have no idea who is the Sarah now in you. You don't know yourselves anymore."

"Lost? No, I wasn't. I am very satisfied with my career, I am happy. People died all the time, it's just normal happening. "

"Happy? No, you weren't. "

--Flashback--Slamming doors, my face was just plain emotion-less. Jokes weren't that funny after all. I was day-dreaming when I walked, eat, even during sleep time. All I did was just nothing. Meaning-less. When I sees patient, I felt nothing, no empathy. Like they weren't things that interested me. When i devoted my whole life in this.

"Claiming yourselves happy? Sarah, wake up from the dream you created."

"I don't know what do I live for anymore. Everyday is like going through some endless painful journey. I couldn't feel anything. Nothing at all. I tried and fail each time. I wanted to feel but my heart was just too far to reach. I became another machinery human in this world. I had been invaded with this whole self-centered idea. And there is nothing I can do. "

"You just have to look within you. Remember, who you are. Feel it. "

Awake. I wrote on the 1018th post of my journal:"I found you, within me."

Cheers=)

Sarah

Never let go

2010-09-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

I have an assessment in less than 10 hours and I still left 1 modules which was quite impressive as I only started around 3pm today. Indirectly last-minute work again. Compared to foundation year, 2 modules left before assessment were pretty well as I tried before having 6 slides before finals. Alright, I admit this was really not a good thing to be shared.

Called my mum around 8.30 and she was asking whether I am crying. Actually I felt like when she was mentioning, but I was too tired to have let my emotion flows out as they wishes. Then, the slacking idea came out, dominant for a while when I dying to complete my 1st modules.

Then, I thought of Rambutan again, feel like calling her straight and burst into tears once I heard her voice. But this time, I hold the overwhelming emotion down, instead keep looking at the albums I brought to Cyberjaya that feature everyone of my best friends. Thinking about what they ever said to me, then I am now once feel again with enthusiasm and passion. Of course I am afraid of tomorrow assessment on my achievement, yet thinking on the other way, It is the courage to continue that counts.

So, here I am going to spend my quality 2 hours with last modules and continue it hopefully early morning as 3am or 4am. Wish me luck, people:) I love how the sunshine sparkling its pseudopod on my face XD

Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it has finally come together. What you always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... "How did I get through all of that?"

Toun

You're not sorry

2010-09-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

"You think you are that great that I wouldn't survived without you. You think your friendship are so precious that I would've to beg for it. I used to believe your so called sincerity to be a life-long friend. I used to entitled so much trust and hope on you although people ask me not to. I used to put you in my No.1 best friend list and gave you everything I could. And you walked away. When I moved on, you turn back and say :"Lets be friends again!" So much sincerity on those manipulating words that you are not the one giving up first in this friendship. You are so concern about my situation? It's over. I will not trouble myself for not being friend with you anymore. Do you know why? Because you are just a plain wastage of time. How dare you, you don;t know what I am capable of, Mr. Handsome K. Wait till I punch you straight on your pretty face and I will, Ass-Hxxx."

So much better now:)

Toun

I love the way it hurts

2010-09-15T04:24:00.000-07:00

Basically, holiday just some rest days at home with endless sleeping and eating without my two best buddies in Australia. I guess the only way to get me excited for holiday now are thinking when my buddies are coming home and bringing us together again! It's just awesome to have this bunch of high school friends which you can just sit together, without any plans ahead yet still felt so loved and enjoy :)

So classes started with Physiology. I greatly agreed that this block really make me felt different, I started to study with drawings and though I was mumbling how much it were and I didn't get to sleep on time, but I somehow enjoyed it. Weird? I guess I am really getting pieces of me back, to strive high and work hard though most of time were not that well spend. But I at least trying to give my very best.

"Just gonna stand there and see me burn, but that's alright because I love the way it burns," I understand at the end, I have do go on my chosen path alone. Yes, I do have my best buddies on earth who kept giving me motivation. But in order to make things work, I need to do it alone. Yet Whatever the weather, I know they are always here with me. Though I am suffering and struggling at this hot pot of water, But I am going to hold it on till the end.

I miss you less. How I wished I wouldn't have to give up on you? Peoples are afraid of getting Alzheimer because they wanted to remember every moments spend with their loves one. But you, make me want to forget you so badly though I knew I really don't want to. We are just not meant to be at all :)

My desktop wall paper:) I miss every single one of you lots.

Felicia Soo, lets work hard together ok? No worries, you will do great! I support you here in Malaysia! Haha, lucks and wishes sent through AirAsia! They can fly too:) Not forgetting great foods in Kuala Lumpur, hang in there!

Friend- Stranger

2010-09-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

" Dear, are you sure you want to do this?" Darren fingers were swifting within my hairs. "Do you think I have better reason to come here?" I was glancing pedestrians walking and rushing with their blue tooth device hanging, beeping cellphone while answering Darren, my best friend for now. Then, one caught my attention, a mother and her daughter in ballet tutu.

I used to be a ballet dancer though I have to admit it was my mother's wishes. But when I was on that stage doing my routine, I knew it is now mine too. And I met him, Kelvin. He was my partner for competition. A great one. We had been partner for longs till I decided to established my own dance center which Kelvin clearly disagree about that. I told him that I found passion in educating children rather than competing to be the best. He left without saying a word.

"Hey, where is the boy always with you. It had been a while he didn't drop by." Uncle Bob spoke to me while handing my creamy mocha cappuccino. Kel used to share it with me, claiming that cream causes my horizontal growth in width. We used to be close friends, talking and text non- stop. But now... Slowly I was sketching shape on the cream till a voice break the mood out of blue. "Kel! I am here, lets talk!" Happily waving my limbs, I knew I look hilarious, but who cares? Time was ticking away without me noticing and Kelvin didn't even turn his head. He was just focusing on Uncle Bob. Next thing I notice was my heart broken into pieces when he turned the knob and leave.

"What's wrong with Kel, Jim? He doesn't even want to look at me," I was slamming my whole body into his couch. I can imagine my faces now when Jim held me stack of tissue paper. " "E, I knew it's hard for you, but I told you before. Opposite sex really can never be best friends. You are too attached to Kel seriously." If my heart was broken into pieces just now, I guess now it had been crashed into ashes. All these while, my best friend privileges had been a burden for my No.1 best friend in list. In my thoughts, it was totally awesome to have a friend buying all your groceries plus sending off to your doorstep with just a call. So freaking happy that this friend too take care all your bills and make sure you wouldn't have a chance to experience creepy scene with candle lights. Great, so my thoughts were completely incorrect all these while but not a single friend came and told me about that.

"Just cut it, Darren. I'm done here." It feels refreshing to have some new changes in life. Though I knew I will miss my long hair.

"You look great, E! Short hair suits you even better!" Clarify, I am the one cutting hair, but Darren is the one getting excited.

Sometimes, you just have to make some choices to leave someone or something behind in the past. Reason? Maybe those were just meant to be.

Friend-stranger? Nah, I have lots more stranger-friend.

It's not the 100% correct way. But it's 100% the good way.

Esther

Optimistic Smile Positive Enthusiasm OSPE

2010-09-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

Today, I have my very own practical examination. Reading Pictures and examining slides are not my strong part, I tend to be careless and panic when I could'nt identify those structures. So, you can imagine how confused I was in my 60 minute examination today.

When friends are happily discussing their similar answers, my heart was dropping little by little. I knew how badly I did inside the hall. This is not the first time I did not reach my expectation in examination. But everytime It make me felt so disappointed and helpless.

And I was sad, calling my friends and daddy far far away In China. Sitting on my bed, tears rolling. Then, I remembered what I wrote in my status yesterday. Of all the preserverance quotes I found online, I picked this :"I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday." In my subconscious, my heart was telling me a thing that I kept ignoring because of the high egoism of always wanted to be No.1.

Dear Toun, you were known for your great wicked smile. Everyone was telling you to kept the cheerfulness. So, Ah Toun! Go rock tomorrow finals. Today's practical is done, no more crying and sad for the split milk. You know you weakness, and I believe you will work on it:)

I can imagine tomorrow's sunshine on my face. How great life is when everyday you know you are closer to what you dream to be.

Happy Birthday

2010-08-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

I speak well Bahasa Malaysia
I wore spectacular National Costume
I can tell you one of my best friend name Syahirah
I can eat nasi lemak using hands instead of chopstick
I use "hang" instead of "kamu"
I can sing "Peterpan" Mungkin Nanti
I say "I love you" To my best housemates ever- Gagak Crew

I am not a Chinese
I am a Chinese Malaysian

We love our friends despite races, skin colours, culture and belief. We believe one day, One Malaysia is not just a mere fantasy but a dream come true reality.

Please have more faith in us, Malaysia.

We live in the same place, breathe the same air, sing the same national anthem and we have the same patriotic blood flowing within us.

When we speak in our mother tongue, does not mean that we are intentionally creating unnecessary chaos and misunderstanding. It is just a "home" way to communicate.

When we are complaining about something, does not mean that we do not love our country. We just want everything to become better.

When we tick our nationality "Malaysian", it really means we want to be a part of Malaysia. No regrets just overwhelm feeling of proud.

Happy Birthday, Malaysia:)

Good

2010-08-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

Agreed With Pei Xi. One of the main issues I always face in you is I always doubt whether I am doing the right things. Maybe what I did was completely intolerable but no doubt that it is a good way for me and you to move on though that's mean I have to completely deleted you in my life:) Yes, I will not forget those things that ever happened, but moving on sometimes does not mean completely removal. I still can have my life back with you hiding somewhere in my memories. Once in a while, during rainy days, you might came out and entertained me. But I believe in all the time, you will remained sealed.

Finals is near. I need to work smart and strive high. Wish me lucks. I am keep trying!

Toun

Astro

2010-08-22T04:27:00.000-07:00

Going in third week of university life, I am glad to tell you: Still breathing. I actually refuse to went home this weekend, telling my mother how I wanted to buried myself in books. It end up total disaster whereby I finished one page and straight fell asleep on my dearie "bantal busuk". Yes, unproductive weekend which I wasted lots of time doing nothing. I just lack of my organization skill lately, maybe I was disturbed or distracted by the quietness here in hostel? Yeah, boring life here and the only voice accompanying is my songs playing repeatedly making my neighbours up stair so upset and decided to scared me a little by hanging a hanger middle in the air. Great!

Home works are still in control whereby I actually did revision some other nights. I have a voice keep repeating in my head: Study, Study, Study. Sometimes I thought my room was haunted. No wonder some people get insane during university. I hope I am excluded in that list. I want to do things with my own pace, forgetting how peoples in my hostel compound studying like freak, and how their notes stack up seriously high. I need to throw out that stress and the fear of not able to catch up with others. I need to be myself in my own way.

Basically, I was just feeling lost. I really really need a hobby. And surprisingly You went into my mind again these days but luckily I was smart enough this time. You are getting out of my life. I lost grip of you, if it was last time, I will be very regret of not holding you tight enough. But now, Thanks for leaving my life:) Now and for all. I don't need a you who push aside own responsibilities and put the blame on someone else. You really wasted my time.

I am going home. That is the only place I feel like home.

Toun

Another Summer Day

2010-08-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

Currently indulging myself in this song from Michael Buble "Home", somehow it fell deeply into my heart. The insecure feeling came back. I knew the reason why. Maybe surrounded by a million people, I still feel all alone. The emptiness felt when all friends get back to their tracks now and soon me too. Tired is because helpless and hopeless when nothing can be done to change anything that is going to happen next. Frustrated because this is what we call reality or life. Depressed because even if we try the hardest we can, it still refuse to be what we want it to be.

Peixi's writing and ideas always make me wanna shake my head trillion times agreeing on what she wrote. Coincidentally Ram, we did choose a similar topic, "Trust". Yup, though we seem to be the most talkative and noisy amongst our other friends, behind these smiley faces and chaos that we made, it is actually to hide something that we are not ready to share with others. Got myself into a hard fight today, emotions burst out like overflowing tap. And suddenly I stop and ask:" Why am I crying?". Then, went for a random walk through city. Watch "Salt" alone. And start packing things, thinking of throwing everything.

Keep breathing, Pei says each time I click on her name. Yes, at least I shall be happy of the situation that I will be soon going in. Comfortable and safe zone wouldn't make me a better one. Imagine you are a hot iron bar and the current situation you are in is a plain ice water. When you are placed in the ice water, only two outcomes are possible. Either you are warmed by the ice water or you heat up the ice water. Determined by which one work the hardest. So, you- bad guy. I am going to nail you down. Set my priority and now my only aim is to strive high. You, stop interrupting my life. I will not tolerate your so-called caring anymore. It meant nothing except one-How stupid I was. Clear? It is a "was".

Another summer day has come and gone away. I am transforming slowly these days,becoming less concern about what going around. I just want the little kid in me grow up in freedom.

No pictures. Just black and white. Suits me now.

Toun@ Leaving Soon

Life with mistakes

2010-07-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

A twinkle of an eye, another week passed. Summer cleaning came to a halt, I felt my heart has an empty hole to be filled. Supposed to write this like few days before, but weird i mentioned previously, blogging period of mine too came to a tremendous full stop mark. Same goes to my postcard sending. Holidays supposed to mean= hobby resuming period whereby shopping, sleeping, eating, gaining weight became legal excuses.

I know why. Had been waiting result transcript past the week. I dislike waiting, is like you wanted to continue doing normal chores but just couldn't help to keep checking the empty mailbox. Conclusion i dislike helpless feeling yet choosing the career encountered the most. Brilliant.

My foundation CGPA had been revealed today. Yes, disappointed again. But overall I did quite well despite all the dramas up and down throughout 12 month, the escaping and rediscovering, the sleeping and loneliness. Grateful that all these had comes to an end with a beautiful prologue. Not forgetting those who help me a lot during these period, encouragement they gave, stalking phone calls from unknown number, heart-attack moments when hearing someone crying over the phone. Thanks Felicia Soo, Pei Xi, Jeannie, Yuling, Chan, Syahirah all of whom met during secondary school and of course my kind-hearted college mates, The B.R.E.T.

Miss Fiza said I should be thankful and very grateful for what I achieved. A little disappointed I would say for my English 3 though i thought i would did quite well. Still, not giving up to becoming better. One day, you would be impress of my language fluency and of course writing skills. Demanding more doesn't mean not being grateful. It solely means that we know we could have done better and reviewing what's the main causes of not reaching the expectation. I have no bad intention, its just merely my expectation. Sometimes being good enough is just not enough when you dream of being great.

Life with mistakes. Yes, i thought about it when I watch eclipse with Felicia the other day, most of it arise due to Jessica graduation speech. I clearly make a lots of mistakes, repeating them of course and always regret of doing it again and again. And sometimes i just wish that time could rewind so I wouldn't make that kind of silly mistakes again. Especially in examinations, it made me felt self-conscious when I could not do things well or the way i want it to be. Yes, what is life without mistake. I would suggest Unproductive. Why? Couldn't fully understand by now. Maybe when i figure it out one day then I will tell.

I miss you, Felicia Soo. Hope you wouldn't see this because this clearly not helping you. Still, I miss my top speed buddy. How will i survive the remaining 4 months? When the only one can fill the empty hole is you.

I have an empty hole in my heart, slowly i fills in faith, dream and definitely hope. Preparing to enter faculty in August.

Till then.

Gynae Toun

Trust

2010-07-12T09:34:00.001-07:00

This is so unlike me. I didn't blog for more than a month, that's weird. And even more unexpectable as I had finally finished my foundation and lastly farewell to those chaos I ever encountered sitting at the balcony of E-31-B self-pitying. What else to finalize my foundation year? It is indeed a growing moment for me to learn more about life toughest lesson and deal with the one thing I most afraid about: Changes. During this period, I ran, doubting myself of what I had learnt throughout my 18 years was a piece of hopeless. Rediscovering yourself and one more time getting frustrated and disappointed was unbearable. The feeling of you can't do anything because it ain't change even a thing was really really heart crashing. But this is what make life so amazingly challenging. You couldn't expect much of what is going to happen and well, you couldn't freeze all the good moments either. For this time being, I am some how still keeping my faith in life. For the first time, I am keen in putting myself in other's situation and try to come out with a solution which make everyone's life easier. Yes, grown up. And more precious was I learn to let go.

I saw in newspaper the other day regarding this article of saying the art of letting go. Sometimes letting go doesn't always mean you are weak, but it symbolises that you are strong enough to putting away all your desire to owns that particular thing to ensure the other things you care about will not be destroyed. You couldn't understand, I know that. Because I am still convincing myself about this. It is not easy, when you have to sometimes wear a mask and sincerity that I care the most was somehow being forgotten. This feeling of even yourself didn't understand no more. Pretty distracting.

Anyway, holidays had been going on for 2 weeks! One was spend well with orientation week and of course, awesome walking Malacca trip. Sometimes a trip was not about the place you are visiting but is about the friends you are going with. That mark the whole point. Another week spend well with cooking private lesson with mummy. And third week started with a blast with picnic in Taman Tasik Perdana with whole bunch of BFF! And then will be occupied with driving lesson. Do hope I can get my license safe and sound!

There are lots of events more on my to-do lists. I love it!

You are weird, making me wondering. A good friend that is worth to be? Well, I keep that in my list. Getting disconnected lately, saying goodbyes are also one of the life's grey matter.

"You're supposed to trust friends. You have no reason to be his friend? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust."

Toun

Happily ever after

2010-06-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

Bonjour:) It's getting more dull and dull everyday here. The world is turning restless while here remained silent. In less than a month, I will be graduating from college or foundation program. One step closer to reach the star. Though last 12 months I had been spending most of it struggling in the reality life battle and also facing difficulties in the journey of searching the clovers on my chordae tendineae. I fell hard in muddy swamp, hitting hard on wall and kept stumble all over again, yet I am glad to tell you that I am still cheerful as the old Sin Toun does.

Had been spending time with new friends. And also with myself. I kept thinking on the same point but just refuse to focus on the reason why. Sometimes the "WHY" will made you felt so helpless and of course depress because even if you know the reason why, somehow you just don't have enough positive thinking that things will get better than the situation now. I had been losing my concentration and focus on study day by day. This was not supposed to happened and shall be considered a major threat to myself. My brain noticed it yet my heart could not stay alert neither.

Watched Shrek Forever after today with mummy and sister. I had been a fans of cartoon yet not all. If i had the time, partner and everything else in perfect condition, I always aim for a cartoon. Though is a little same typical plot, yet the happy ending did brought some positive thinking in me once again. Shrek said :" I never appreciate what i have till i lost it. Actually i have once everything the best of my life." I always thought I lost a friend. Actually, maybe not because we don't really close in hearts before. Distance could not really separate friends. Is the distance in heart that make the friendship became brittle and blown off by wind. I always had to fell hard before realizing some valuable lessons in life. Why do i have to fall to succeed? Yes, this is a cycle, dear. Is like you riding up to a hill for a sunset view, you always had to start at the bottom and then end up on hill. But soon after that, you will go down the hill again but don't worry the scenery down there is still satisfying. Maybe losing a friend make me realize I do not have to search for happiness or my continuous motivation. Because I already have everything or the big thing : Family, Dream and Friends of a lifetime- The ones who I would love to invite not only to my wedding ceremony, my baby's full month celebration, and also my funeral. I already had so many things.

Indeed it was true. Sometime you had to let go of something to see whether there is things worth holding on. And letting go requires more strength sometimes than holding on. It does not means you are always weak, but you are strong enough to let go. A best friend of mine ask :" Do you have regrets on this friendship?" Last time, yes. I shouldn't felt regret because i had tried my best and gives everything i could in this. If i have one regret, that is you couldn't understand my intention. Hopefully one day you will understand:) I never wanted to say goodbye.

Last time i used to say fairy tales just do not happened that way. However somehow, someday, somewhere over the rainbow, across the sea and up till the mountain, fairytale does exist because miracle does. I have my faith in that and of course my courage and effort to make it happened.

People, Wish me luck. I am smart enough to deal with all the bad deeds.

Toun @ Esther

Balance

2010-05-18T02:07:00.001-07:00

I went out quite often lately. To catch up with old friends and of course to strengthen those loose bonds between new friends. Walk through few shopping malls and took lots of public transport. I felt like experiencing the old days again during my teens.

I am always surrounded by friends. The hi and bye friends, close friends and best friends. I can easily talk with strangers and ta-da we are friends then. But if you were to look at my life more details, you will noticed how often i was alone with no one. I took train, buses alone. Sometimes you will just spotted me alone walking in shopping malls, trying to look as busy as i could just to avoid the awkward feeling. How great is one sensory adaptation i wonder. Slowly, i begin to find myself enjoying the silence moments, looking out the windows at those pedestrians and started my dreamy ambition.

I found myself getting more closer to the place where i belongs. Malaysia or more specifically the Federal State of Kuala Lumpur. People don't really find this hustle and bustle city a great place to live in. But I am very proud to be one though we always being categorised as cruel and selfish bitting sharks. Yet that day when i was sitting alone in the bus travelling to KL Central, i saw something really nice happening. And the next day, when i was going to board on the commuter, i was amazed with the lady coach honestly. It was indeed a really considerate facilities for us-ladies. One more, when i was sitting alone in the restaurant enjoying my dinner, a cute little girl and boy kept on saying hello to me. I hate goodbyes but I realize there are peoples that we had to bid goodbyes although we don't want them to leave. I need lots of hellos in my life now.

I guess I am doing quite good in balancing back my life now. I start to adapt here finally at the last two months of my foundation studies. Better late than never. Was raining everyday here in Cyberjaya. It began to frustrate me sometimes. Yet, my rainbows will come after the pouring rain. What i really wanted to say is that I began to understand and to accept all the "WHY's" in my life. Most importantly, I have my faith back to fight and the courage to try. Welcome back, life. Though sometimes i lost my balance but i know there will always be someone to catch me if i fall. Even though i know he don't.

Agreed with Pei Xi. Distance is what i needed to keep between us not memories. You said i am too bounded with the past, but have you wonder if it is not of the past that hold me back, I would have set myself free and leaving all of you behind without having the wish to look back. You would not know and of course wouldn't understand it. I tried once again but it just seems too hard. This time, I am letting you go because I want to love myself more:)

Goodbye.

Toun

Counting Down

2010-05-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

Raining heavily.It felt like me soaking in the wet air. Hardly sleep these days and i know the reason why.

A good friend of mine once told that the best way to survive in a harsh environment is never indulge in self-pity. Keep living is the silent weapon against your enemy. It was an epilogue somehow from this very good friend of mine. Maybe he/she was tired of holding this fragile heart or we just have different destinations to embark in life.

I told myself not to cry. It was very hard because the past good memories were flooding in my head every single moment i saw you. I don't want to think too much but even when i walked, i would think of something good ever happened between us. I thought hatred was to instill, but i can't. I guess I am not very good in hating a person long though.

I knew this good friend of mine did not have the habit of reading blogs. And our friendship might just vanished in the moist air. I had did my part and i tried for once. I kept my faith and sometimes fairytale just did not happen like that. Anyhow, i just wanted to express my deepest gratitude as this friend really do support me when i was in the downhill all by myself. It was due to sympathy or study deals? It does not matter seriously because I sucks in Mathematics. I really do hope we can stays longer before reaching the final platform. But i respect your choice to board earlier.

As for the rest of the journey, i would have to go on by my own. The scenery just felt a little dull without you, but i have great sensory adaptation. At the end, you still left isn't it? Without a notification. It's a short journey we had once shared, but it is definitely a memorable ones in my life:) Thanks for everything and sorry, forgive me.

Counting down the days. But i will be ok as i said. I am always the Sin Toun who do extraordinary things. It's hard to pretend that I am alright without you but at least i tried. And i will be keep trying. So give me some strength, Time will heals.

Toun

At the beginning
We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

Letting go

2010-04-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Train rattled along the track. Thick smoke churning. Sound of pistons thundering"Dum...Dum... Dum...". She was sitting there barefooted since early morning. It was like those silent movies with motions all around, walking in and out but as if she was frozen there, motionless and silent.

This was the place where they first met. He was backpacking, a traveler he called himself. She was sitting on the same bench reading on the book :"Paradise". He walked through the crowd and the first thing he said was :"I never stop searching. But you are the platform i would wanted to embark eternally." She was drowning in his dark blue eyes. The ocean of love.

Her paradise was all about him. They were happy but the traveler's spirit of searching for excitement was just hard to be pushed ashore by her tiny little love. He was getting distant. She felt anxious and pray for a miracle. Yes, indeed it happened. She was going to show him an ultrasound photo of their baby girl, she even has a name for the cute little creature- Venus, goddess of love.

She did not get a chance to met him, he left with a note. "I'm sorry. I thought is you until i met her. Forgive me." Short and brief, it did not took much of her time to figure it out. She remembered the day she laid on his chest and read to him this one quote she favored by Hermann Hesse :"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." He wrapped his fingers around hers, "I will not let go of you for you is my fuel of life. My oxygen, my soul." How lovely it was but it sounds so pathetic right now.

She ran. Without knowing where to go. And finally she stopped right here at the railway station. She bought a ticket and sat at the very first place where everything started so sweetly. Sometimes you have to let go to see if there was anything worth holding on to, the wind whispered.

She boarded on the train.Heading to the platform.Paradise.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

Toun

The Grey Matter

2010-04-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

" Is okay, Doc. I know you have done your best, is just that it is hard to be accept. Bell lost her mother and i lost my life." The man in front of me once had a complete life, not very much on the physical matters but he is rich in soul. Contentment. I saw the lovely bones connection between the family. Yet now, with the absence of the heroin, can the hero still stand strong? Guiltiness was rushing in and i was drown in never ending. Is my mistake. It was shoulder dystocia. I had seen it quite a number of time and i should have made a better decision.

Walking down the marble floor, i was allowing my feet to bring me anywhere as long as I no longer felt stranded. I was lead somehow to the room. The room resembles the beginning of every one's life. The beginning of a new life. We were once little, small hands, tiny fingers. This is my passion. To become a obstetrician because i love the wonders of how a small tiny figure grows up to be a great person with great mind. I was once lying down on the white smooth bed, the tiny eyes rolling consciously or i supposed curiously, looking at the new world that is now in my control. My father was a renowned paediatrician, he laid such a high expectation that as his only daugther i was able to continue his remarkable contributions. But i choose my own path. He can't understand that which i too couldn't understand why. My mother had a hard time during the parturition. And she left on the same day i was born. He from a husband had become a father.

I could not pictured myself in the same situation as my father. How much pain i would had bear to told the parents that their lovely daughter or son was losing the opportunity to grow up. How much suffering i would have bear to see the child who is just slightly taller to climb the chair crying upon seeing the injection, pills and the scary masked doctors. I couldn't at all. I was just an intermediate tool to save life, i have no right to decide who is to stay and who is to leave.

Inside my pocket was my mother's bracelet. It was the only memory i had left with. It carved with my name's initial "S" in the inner side of the pendant with my parents' picture. It was supposed to be my welcomed gift. " Doc Sarah, you are required in room 202. Doc Clementine is on her way." the loud speaker again. I thought i would never wanted to become a doctor after witness how hectic is a doctor's life to be adapted. But the urge to become one became so strong that i choose a path that is less taken. It was indeed a journey require lots of perseverance and hard work. It almost drained off all my passion. I was once told by an economic professor that being a doctor is not as challenging as becoming a economist as they often deal with fluctuating graph and dramatically changing statistic. I disagreed. Studying is never ending story in a doctor's dictionary. They studied anatomy during school and when comes into patient, they studied how to deal with death and the living. Every moment was indeed a change to be endured.

Clenching my fist. I walked to room 202. The living needs me. I can't allow another hope to be diminished once again.

I only realize all these years. The best way to endure unbearable, unexpected and undesired changes is first to accept it as it comes along. Life's lesson though it is a grey matter which i couldn't help to tolerate.

-Sarah-

This is Me

2010-03-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hey.Darling all:) Just a few updates from Mrs Chou far from cyberjaya. I had been down at the bottom hill for quite some time. I had problems here and there while my life is a total mess ever since i started college or maybe after i graduated from Bukit Nanas.

I gone through a lot and i made people worried for me especially Rambutan and my mummy. I guess they always have higher chance of getting some random attack due to my crying phone calls. I kept complaining. I kept thinking. I kept asking.

And after all. I had a sudden thought today. Some doubt-clear view. Conclusion, This is what i am. This is what i am going to do. Its my dream for now. It is hard for me to describe. But i will just keep working hard:)

I work hard and strive smart.

Follows my short stories. I found a new way to transform those sadness into some love story. Its interesting how two different things link. I love blogging:)

Toun

Chocolate

2010-03-28T01:09:00.000-07:00

It's hot today. She can feel her sweat gland were overstimulated. Lying down on her princess decorated single bed, she stared onto the whitish ceiling. Holding in her hand was a pencil and her cell phone. Sketching like an artist, the hand holding pencil was lazily slide across in the thin filament of air producing motions which can't be understood. She was counting and at the same time sketching. It had been more than a month since he called. She was waiting him to return, for all the sweet memories to sit back in their normal places. Forever. They work in the same place with his back facing hers. They are close colleagues with him always teach her skill and knowledge in designing jewellery. They were used to spent most of the time together. He walked her back and she brought him lunch box. They were friends as I mentioned.

She thought back her first design which received many global recognition and made her one of the most promosing jewellery designer today. "Chocolate", the sweet feeling when he walked her back in rainy days with them under a single umbrella. They did not talk the whole journey but it feels to her the best conversation she ever had. She told him that he was the inspiration and encouragement all these while and she appreciated him a lot. He smiled and said :" We are friends.Remember?" But she saw something fades away in the deep blue eyes. They still spent a lot of time together. He walked her home and she brought him desserts. Everything is the same as before but she knew something changed. They did not talk like they used to. She asked; he answered. It was like talking to a machine. He did not call her that frequent anymore. Last time he used to sent a lot of silly jokes just for sharing but now he message to tell her that there will be a meeting tomorrow. Dot. The end. Not more than that. She wanted to hold a grip of him in her hand. But she is losing. Every inches. Every portion.

She lost even before she got a chance to try. He was surrounding her all the time but he is the "he" when he talks to her. He is the "he:"when smiles to her. He is the "he" she can never owns. Slowly, she told herself. I am just a friend. I have no rights to ask him to stop or should i stand in the middle of two intersecting rivers? She shook her head.

He was standing right in front with her. She is a very nice person. Sweet one like chocolate. Knowing the facts and believe in the facts were two different things. She pushed the door and ran to the garden. Are you the "Chocolate", he asked. She never talked to him because she don't feel like having another friend to spent time with. But the only one she ever had is nothing. " Can you walked me home?" holding tightly in her hand was Chocolate. That lose its sweetness.

The Lovely You

2010-03-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

Awkwardly a daze of light reflected into the tiny brown iris. At first, it was something whitish then slowly it became more obvious. She felt a sweet adrenaline rushing in her bloodstream, it was a pure white marble paper where black ink spread gracefully on it. It was his name and marked their destiny in a way they both can't imagine.

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He still can pictured her in their first encountered. She was laughing very loudly and kept stomping her feet in a hilarious ways like the penguins. Then she saw him and started to walk in his direction. She was smiling this time and held her hand out. He never seen such a brave girl before. Those girls he met only dare to looked at him and started the "usual" sharing with their girlfriends. Not even one approached him like she did. She was one of a kind, he thought that moment. "Are you the Taylor guy who has exactly the same name as Taylor Swift?""No." i said." Impossible, i had your number and i called you just before i saw you which coincidentally you took out your cell and just off it. And sadly i saw it." Weird. She had these red drifting flame right inside her eyes. I swear i saw it.
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"Arrogant fellow." She dislike him. He always ask her to finished up his "supposed-to-hand-in" work and he used the same phase every time,"That is a reason why we were destined to be desk mate, right? Miss Esther." "Ohh, you. Please stop using your estrogen on me by saying my name. It is not meant to be spoke out from your less curved mouth." She hated him a lot. A lot. But this arrogant and selfish fellow was always there when she needed someone. Not always, but quite a lot of tough times. She never figured out what was that strange urge in her stomach when she saw him smiling. Later only she realised caterpillar somehow penetrate her delicate digestive system and grow up in it, becoming butterfly anxiously flapping their wings. She knew inside his heart there live a girl she never met. They talked about her sometimes but often she seen a different side of him. The more darker side.
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They spent many times together.Days and night. She know she fell in love with him somehow. She was pretty good in chemistry especially mastering the intermolecular bonding between the molecules. Only then she knew why woman always ask their lover to said "I love you" and cried after hearing them. It is a lullaby to the heart which will tickle them and plays a melody. She know they will be forever friends. Not more than that. They were not designed to be one nor destined to be one. She started to felt all kind of tastes: sour, spicy, sweet, bitter and more often mixtures of all. She dislike girls wandering around them. She hated to see he smile with the others. She wanted to marked him with her own stamp and declared his as her territories. But she can't and she was not allowed or even understood to be do so.
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She can't be categorised as a female although she has despite the features of ones. He guess maybe biologist also can't figure why. She is a very weird person. She did everything almost on her own, and she always said "Girls are better than boys. Boys don't utilise their brain like girls do. They only know best the bottom part." She dislike boys is the only conclusion he get from this weird Esther. Her name sounds so alcohol, did she drink maybe? Or she is drunk even before drinking them" So dead. I sit with a can't identified gender alcohol group. But he likes her somehow. He like to tease her with the tissue she brought whenever they were that boring literature class watching those "romantic" Juliet and Romeo. He like to flash his high mark in front of her every time papers were returned. He is smart and despite he did not did his homework or revise, he still score better than her. He knew she was often disappointed for not beating him and he always saw her strong determination of working harder burning in her eyes. Just like the first day he saw those dangerous flame yet attractive.
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She left. He never saw her before. But he often received postcard with an "E" initial. They both knew how they felt for each other. But none of them take the first step. She kept sending and he just kept receiving. And one day not even the cards anymore. He only realised a thing in his chest also disappear along. It was his heart.
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Finally she beat him this time. Letting go. She wrote on her journal with the marble paper attached at the bottom part. He swear he smell daffodils in the air. It is her favourite flower.

Toun

I always believe:)

2010-03-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

It had been almost 3 weeks. Time flies and i hardly grab any memorable moments during this period. But i found myself happier these days.

Life is like Ferris Wheel to me in this growing phase. I found myself going through up and downs frequently. Mood swinging just like pendulum and in constant amplitude.

I am in the down part now. Felt a little disappointment with my achievements lately but i am tired of comparing. Its just tense more my nerves and put on more weights. I wanted to have drum classes soon.

All in all. Bad reputation does not mean i am a terrible friend because my good reputation has always been with Felicia Soo, Jeannie Tai, Rambutan, Chan and lots more sincere friends. So what. I am getting down to Earth. So what.If you climb up high this time. So what. I always believe I am a great doctor. So what. I lost but you did not win either.

So What. I am happy:) Although i have many reports on coming. So What. I can wake up early and finished them up. So What. Take whatever you like and I don't mind:)

I guess i like the him deep down in my memories. I enjoyed Alice in Wonderland. Especially that part when Hatter first met Alice, "You are Alice. But you had lost some muchness in here. Where are your muchness?" I found my muchness back. The wildness, courage and craziness to endure life. Do you?

I am the great Sin Toun in my own Wonderland:)

Toun

Ohh weihhh~~

2010-03-02T02:35:00.000-08:00

Me again. Yes, it turned out that "tomorrow" is kinda good day but it went all down to drain starting on the first day of exam. And yeah, i was supposed to have my sleep but indeed i flipped my book and search for answers which subsequently i found out i did a very very silly mistake. Oh shoo~Go away, i wanted to shout at myself! "Careless mistake and "dang" you will fall damn hard this semester, believe me", a loud voice bang on my mind and heart.

Last semester, i was very depress because i found out that no matter how hard i work, the result was not satifying until i got back my mid semester result, it turned out to be very satisfying. I even got a few high mark. This semester, i was to maintain. Both semester i was finding ways to get high mark. I felt exhausted and i called my mum at the other day and my tears just kept falling. And before that, i rang my dad. He said :" Don't be too worry. Life has its up and downs. Its ok if you did not do well. Its ok you did not excel in the class. Sometimes you need to get a rest by coming down from the peak. If staying up there making you so tired, why don't you take a few step back and lead a happier one? " Yes, i was very disapointed a few minutes ago because i simply loss marks to something i supposed to know, but what to do? I did the mistake and its my consequences to bear.

People's expectation is very scary. You might said :" Once i reach the peak, it should be mine forever, and yes, i must make it mine forever and ever!". But today i told myself :" Yes, indeed. No one would like to be the last in the race, but if being no.1 in the race make you so stress and unhappy about your life, why hold tight? Sometimes it is not about holding on but letting go."

So, I am the Loh Sin Toun who is truly an ordinary sun who always do extraordinary things. I have a long more ways to go and its good that i have a different perspective of life.

I am truly happy for your greater acheivement and marks than me. As for myself, i guess i will shrink the marks to the minimum and magnified the knowledge to the maximum.

Lastly, can i considered an optimistic who think things positively before crying for it? Pondering.

Toun

Bad shot

2010-02-22T00:41:00.000-08:00

Hmm, bad start today:( Was rushing to do homework the last night and does not fulfill my wish to finished up revision, so test screw. I don't want to ask why i did not finished up the assignments earlier, it only made things become complicated.

Anyway, My Jay Chou dropped on floor today, heart smashed. And i was fined by the school library for an amount of a honey orange strbuck coffee. I longing for coffee bean:(

Exam starting soon, and seriously hopefully sincerely i can work hard and strive smart.

Tomorrow is gonna to be a damn good day, Trust me:)

Toun@ Go off!

There are no gain without pains

2010-02-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

It had been 2 days since you all left. Supposedly i had to finish up my homework and revision by then but you know.Holidays. Have a lot of irresistible temptations. And i lose in the battle, Majority wins.

I am glad i have the hobby of blogging, at least i have my channels to express feelings and emotions. Seriously, i am not feeling too good these few days maybe i should said this whole year. Starting of the year is the continuous of mentally struggling from last year. Reality hits me hard, cruelty of friends made me wonders true friends' spirit. Everything just seems unfit. And i realize there are no gain without pains, but do these pains necessary to gain what i really want?

Someone inspired me by saying" You thought you have a bunch of friends who supports you, but in the end, your success is still dependent on your own effort, not them. You suffer on your own, and then you succeed too on your own." I felt a little uneasy since both of you left. It made me feels i am all alone on the battlefield. The war never end, i knew that. And it feel so bad that i have no parachute on.

Is true friend hard to find? Yes, indeed. Am i tired in finding? Yes, i guess. But will i stop finding the gems? Never.

I watched two shows in a row today. And i managed to finished four movies this holiday, how i wished i can do the same things with my books.

Is time to work hard and strive smart.

I don't have any reddish CNY Pictures. How sad is that?

Toun@ Adjusting

Buddies:)

2010-02-15T08:48:00.000-08:00

Usually people start at the beginning, Lets start with the one last leaving:) Just came back from Butterworth, Penang. Currently done with relatives visiting activities, so the days left are my private time for loitering. However my best partners were all leaving by Air Asia because everyone can fly but only me:( Feel nostalgia man seriously. Supposedly to enjoy this red and merry Chinese New year with chaos and all. But honestly CNY was never my days. I just don't know why.

So Last to leave- Miss Chan Ee Yin

Dear Miss Chan, i know you will say you don't miss me at all. But i still miss you though. Haha. Lol, so the little chan who always want to fly to Australia finally leaving soon on the 18th. As your very good GPS Partner, i confirm will sent you on that day. No worries yeah. Last time when Felicia leaving, i still got two loitering partner. So, now left me and the lonely rambutan. Sad die man. Miss Chan, when you reach Australia and found new friends, please don't forget me ok? I have no license and car yet, so meanwhile you are my best candidate for driving and recognizing road beside Felicia. So fetching me is a great pleasure for you i supposed. So please please please think of me sometimes yeah:) Miss Chan oHH Miss Chan, go there don't eat too much of McDonald a. Sana Mahal a! Sini Murah. I post deliver to you. Haha. 24 hours. Fly through. You know i very Cheong Hei one la, take care little chan. I guess i need to bring a box of tissue again on the 18th. Because i guess i will cry. Lol, later people think i am the one leaving. Aiyor, why you all always like that geh? Always i am the one go sent you all wor, everytime i alone cannot stop crying when you all say bye-bye. What buddies la? Haiz. Dear Chan:( Study hard yeah, you sure can do one! So, all the best small chan:) I will miss you, so come back during holiday and fetch me go yumcha a~~

Next- Felicia Soo Wei Yeen

Leaving in 24 hours more as her flight is around midnight tomorrow. The second time flying, but will see her soon in 4 months time. This time i will learn how to use international card to call Australia number, haha, so no worries:) She said no need to sent her already. I guess she is hiding something because once she see my face, she will cry i think, so in order to let her look nice and can have some nice pictures on the plane, in conjunction, she said:" No need come la, not first time also." Conclusion, i am prohibited in LCCT. Haiz. Dear felicia Soo, you no need me to worry i guess. So strong you, know how to use debit card and all. I also don't know how debit card look like. You are going to University Soon Man! Wah, as your friend, i also feel very proud:) I got a future actuarist friend studying in Melbourne leh, you know? First class man. Kai Wan Xiao. So used to have you around in these few months, then have to get used to those days without your voice already:( And plus i have no more new pictures for update. Felicia Soo, i will miss you again. In fact, everyday also will think of you geh. So think of me also!

My great Soo actuarist, My "Pa Chou" mother asked me to say " Yi Lou Shun Fong". She don't know how to speak to you just now.Haha, first time:) And don't get scared by my very " neat" house.Haha. I warned you before. Lol. Take care, darling piggy:)

First to leave- Miss Alicia Ho

Alicia Ho, my deskmate for a year left Malaysia on Monday- First day of Chinese New Year. She is probably playing with her favorite animal-koala bear right now. Anyway, i know how much you miss me. Lol, is hard to find such a nice desk mate like me right? I know. Haha, Alicia, Take care la! Don't always go shopping there a, save some money come back Msia and shop la. Beli Barangan Buatan Malaysia mah, help raise economy also considered a contribution to the nation:) My nutritionist, try to design a perfect diet for me to keep fit la. Haha. FOC Yeah. Take good care:) Will Miss you also.

Last- Happy Birthday Syahirah! Have a blast!

Toun@Missing Her Buddies

Fly Fly

2010-02-08T18:44:00.000-08:00

Time flies.I didn't know it flew so fast though.It had been more than a week i did not updated my blog. Everyday were assignments, reports, quizzes.I hardly have time for myself exclude those wonderful but sinful sleeping time:(

Dissected MT 001 and 002 last few weeks. And luckily it was not that bad.

Had a very very tired saturday. Was searching for my aunt like mad woman on the street of petaling and i end up bringing my McD home alone. Btw, i watch Avatar 3D the other friday alone in Pavillion. Sometimes watching movie alone is a kind of leisure though. Although you don't have a partner to discuss about the synopsis and laugh like crazy when saw blood running non-stop. I miss watching movies seriously. My favourite hobbies had been vastly destroyed since i came here.

Had a wonderful friday eating steambot with friends.But i miss the highlight of the day right. Red and green.Haha.Hard to differentiate yeah?

I wanted to attend drum classes starting on March. Just have to find my own channel for stress. It will help i guess to live alone for one's sake. Better to be alone than in bad company right? I just have to remain cheerful:) Its a test of one's true strength.

Chan and Fele are leaving soon:( My dream of seeing blue Vios diminished a little.But lol. I have lots more koala bear i guess.

Tonight gonna be a good night if i did not fell asleep like yesterday again.

And i learn one new word from my secret sexy tutor: Lets pronounce! Put---a----in! You don't want to know what that means right?

I always believe in Karma. So why waste time for hatred? Just like those who hate us. Endure the play they act for us. And smile for the trick they put on us. Because they were meant to make you grow.

“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”

Toun

Life

2010-01-22T20:27:00.000-08:00

She woke up somewhere in the mist not knowing where she is. In front of her was a long long tunnel and slowly she walk. Alone, counting her steps in heart, 1...2...3.... Deep silence.

Out of the darkness, she saw a daze of sunlight. She traced it until she found herself standing in front of an ancient building. She smell the greenery grass and also familiarity. But she can't remember where and when, so she took a walk around the building. Up the stair, she heard people laughing and teasing. Upon lifting her head, she saw a face. No is another her wearing a blue uniform, but the difference is she has a long straight hair. Impossible, she waved her hand and tried to stop the girl, yet her hand flew past the body without experiencing any weight. She is invisible to them. The girl is laughing with her friends and her happiness is obvious and influential. She had a while lost her cheek motion of laughing and even smiling, her eyes are filled with sorrow.

Who is she? She followed them anxiously till a classroom. Placing her hand on the wooden door frame, she finally knew where is she. In her past days. Where everyday was memorable with overwhelming happiness and laughter. But look at her now, everyday was a little bit bitter with conflicts, sorrow and problems which tangling her neck. She can't smile and even she did, it was a smile full of sadness. Once, she was a star filled with passion and enthusiasm, and now she was a dead sun losing all of her heat. Why?

Look at her past, she finally knew something. She can't adapt to herself well in this new phase of life. It was not meant for her. But is she going to gave up so easily? The past her won't and so do her. She just need to find her continuous motivation and the passion in chasing her dream. Once in while, we felt so lost in life. we lost our passion, motivation and the goals. And so we thought we had lost everything valuable in life. But why worried? You still have yourself to find back all these things that matter to you. And so she just has to find back her passion and enthusiasm. Simple.

She has a bunch of motivation scattering everywhere around the world, who once in while send a postcard or email to brighten her days, she has her love who she knew he is working hard somewhere over the globe chasing his passion, she has her parents who she knew will always give the best things to her and she has a burning passion to help others. Is enough.

She found herself waking up in tears. She smiled because it was a tear of happiness.

True friends pack our parachute with care and love everyday because they afraid we might need it some day at the most critical moment in life to support and keep us alive. True friends tell you to go away because they are afraid you might get hurt as they knew a war is coming where they need to fight alone. And the very true friend will not left you although you ask them to because they knew you fight better with your parachute on.

Toun

happy birthday Jay Chou

2010-01-18T15:50:00.000-08:00

It had been 8 years and will travels a longer period.And i believe it will be no destination for this:)

Happy Birthday Jay Chou.

I have a lot of works to do but remains cheerful.

Toun@loving you

Cheerful

2010-01-16T20:12:00.000-08:00

Life had been good so far,attended sports day after quit exercising for more than a year. My cells were shouting pain this morning because for the first time in my life, i gave more than quarter commitment in jogathon. Lol.Because some of the paths were hill climbing, so i walked instead.

Jay Chou had been sick these days. I did not know the reason though. Windows hang for 5 times in 2 days which are not a good sign. And it did worried me a lot until i barely sleep well these few days. Wanted to sent it for maintenance but all my weekdays are filled with lesson and centre only opens on weekdays. And i had plenty of reports which required typing and surfing. Hopefully my dear laptop are able to withstand these tough moments with me till April where i end my 3rd semester and heading to the last one.

The screen were spoiled a little and i can't open laptop as long as i wishes from now onwards. Then, a hard disk is necessary to lighthen up his burdens. Sorry, my dear.I had been a lousy owner i know because you are ill and works like mad for the past 5 months with me. Seriously, i am sorry.

Dear life, if obstacles are meant to make one's better, then hoepfully it made me a better one. I want a simple life with a great mind.

" A happy woman is one who has no cares at all and a cheerful woman is one who has cares but doesn't let them get her down."

I want to be the great cheerful woman:) Is my fault for my overwhelming sympathy but human are supposed to help each other. Selfishness was just a self-defending mechanism, why made it became a weapon?

Toun

Keep Believing

2010-01-13T05:19:00.001-08:00

This will be quite a long pieces because it had been ages since i last shared a story and also a thread of my life.

I had been a long time troubling myself with those small stuffs. I care and thats why i was troubled and burdened. I felt i lost myself grip by grip as days goes on. The one remaining was nothing but an empty shell. I am smiling but deep down i am suffering so painful that i felt tears rolling down.

I told myself not to care but to pretend everything is okay. But it proved me wrong. Is just that no matter how far i ran away or how hard i hide, the nightmare will still find me. Is not a matter of care or not care anymore, it haunts my life.

And i kept thinking about all these old days where i was still in school. Seriously, i am so proud to become a CBNer. It is amongst the best school in Malaysia as an all girls institution. I thought about the old time where friends share every pieces of their life and we interconnected as family. But why everything became so complicated once we stepped out of the boundary and leaving the past for better progression. Is this because of my problem. I am staying in my own cocoon and doesn't care anymore about the others? I doubt that.

An interviewer once told me:" Your grade don't mean everything. There are better grades than you out there where they can overtook you anytime. But why we choose you? Is because you have something special about you that made you stand out of the crowd. You are not ordinary and you sparked like a gem. So why worry? Why seeking your specialities? You already have it in you. And trust me, you have no need to search for it."

I thought about everything that people told me about how great i am. I thought about how adorable i was those old days. And suddenly i realise all this while for the years of 2009, i had been focusing on the small matters which its lost will not affected much of my life. Sometimes i hate myself for magnifying those small things and look at it as it was such a big wave which hit my shore.

Yes.I slack this time for focusing on the wrong thing. But Does it matter? Humans made mistake and once in a while stepped on the wrong path will bring us back to the path which we are more suitable to walk on. Thats life. You will never know whats right for you if you did not made a mistake at the beginning:) My dream is to become a good gynaecologist and my only goal studying here is to become one. The other things are just small matters. Friendship lasts only when both of you were sharing. I just need to keep believing that somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue and the dreams that i dream will one day come true.

I just need to keep believing in how great i can be.

The Mayonnaise Jar

When things in your life seem , almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students, if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured
them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family,
children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else --The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' He continued,
'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that are important to you.

So...

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

I am glad i have found my golf balls right?

Toun@ Keep Believing

Seeking

2010-01-09T18:01:00.000-08:00

Hmm.Yes.Yesterday night i found out that i might lost my broadband stick. What a nice discovery again:(

I still gt a lot of works to be done and now what?

Toun@Pissed off by herself

Stuck between Christmas and New Year

2009-12-31T01:07:00.000-08:00

Last day of year 2009.Perfect day to blog my 80th post.I guess i improved a lot in blogging at least i reached 80 this year.Although the ratio of 80/365 was not that encouraging.

At Chan's House now.Plan to countdown at Chan's friend house later with Felicia. Last year, i did that with golden flower and all.But this year.Sorry Flowers, i don't think i can go sunway. It was a little too far from my place.This is why you need a transport! Enjoy:)

Time passes or flies. The calendar had been flipped so easily. One day came, another day gone. In a twinkle of eyes, we are celebrating another new year. Optimist stays up late till midnight to see new year in but a pessimist stays up late till midnight to make sure the old year leaves.I guess i am somehow in the middle because i see new year in while still grabbing the tail of last year trains. I graduted from CBN 2 years already.So fast:(

Missing the old days when i had to start coping my holiday homework by now. I miss school. I miss everyone. Maybe i should say i miss th past.Yet time never came back and new year come in.

I want to be a better me while still remain the same me.Ok.Confused? Just get over it

Last year resolution
1.Buy all my materials need....(Haha....)
2.Making the right choice and just do it!
3.Stay unite with all my friends
4.Use time wisely
5.Be more tidy and clean(Improve on housekeeping lo)
6.Colour my hair!!Blond probably?
7.Be a great neopetters
8.Socialize more with the others and also the opposite sex?

I only realise how short and simple is my last year resolution.Maybe a little too simple?

1.Materials need kept increasing and i only afford to buy a few. And plus my sony ericsson total lost so nexy year resolution will be including a new phone.Nokia 5800 or SE G705? Like felicia Said oled one don't go, new one don't come.But haiz.Pity my phone.I got so much of memories in it:(

2.Made many choices and i won't know it is right until i reached the last platform.So just remained brave in making one decision.

3.Stay unite.Ok.Didn't achieved.

4. Time management.Becoming better i guess.But still got room of improvements.

5. Housekeeping.No.My room in cyberia is still packed with books and my stuff.Gosh. But at least i tried to put back all my things in place but still sometimes i used so much time just to find my keys.Lol.

6.Did not managed to colour my dark and black hair.Maybe i should not.

7.Neopetters.What kind of resolution i made?Hmm.

8.Socialise more.Yup.I did but not everyone is nice to be friends somehow. So just keep an eye open:)

Last but not least, i concluded my last year resolution and this year resolution will be the extended of last one.So in one sentences.

Be myself:)

“Another fresh new year is here . . .
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt, and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest . . .
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree,
And sing more joyful songs!”

Toun

Treasure Hunter

2009-12-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

Supposedly to watched my Hubby-Jay Chou latest movie with Piggy.Yet my mother had the mood to take a walk around Pavillion and i was a little scared i missed another good movie again.And so ta-da.I watched it with my mother. Forgot.I missed Jay Chou movie preview. Having exam that day:(

Seriously, i fell deeply in love with Jay Chou again.Despite how people said, i still felt sugar and adrenaline rush when i saw him appeared on the big screen. So until then, i will still love my hubby until i found one:) Lol. Felt my bulu all went straight up.

Still another 1 week before college starts on the 4th.Hopefully it will be a good one unlike the past 5 months where conflict and sadness surrounded. Honestly, time for a new resolution.

Lastly. I had been trying hard not to stare my hand-phone screen. Yes, very hard. I should by then. Cause my Sony-ericsson still not well-repaired yet.

I need a phone for my picture. Had been lacking skills of cam-whoring. Is No good. I wanted to fulfill all my luxury needs. But is just a mere fantasy.

Till then.Ciaos.

My treasure= Family, Friend, Dream and Him
I hunt them:)

Toun @ Mrs Chou

Why is the header

2009-12-27T09:05:00.000-08:00

Yes.I came back from Penang.I would said the trip was wonderful because of the peoples i went with:) So we shall planned another trip where me and Piggy had learned how to swim! That is one of my reaching 21 to do list.

Lol.Rambutan dreamt of my blog. Wonders of dream. I had dejavu too. Which i dream myself back to secondary school and still wearing my uniform. Soon enough 2010 is coming. And not realising one year we had left CBN. One thing good about picture is they never change, although the person in them changes so much. I glance through all the one i was once familiar with a year ago in Facebook and only realised i knew nothing about them now. This is what happened when you graduated. You never can go back that time. Suddenly i wish i never grew up.

Why? never ends. My question never had a satisfying answer.

All in all. I should socialise more. But can i really get to knew updates from everyone. Is not an option anymore. Maybe is just enough for us to be once a close friend.

Beyond the world of my small little eye.

Toun

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T08:47:00.000-08:00

Hey,Folks!Merry Christmas:) Last christmas i gave you my heart, but the very next year i Have a super hard Chemistry Final test.So Save me from tears by granting me with joyfulness and happiness.

But Why i just discovered The Christmas "Datuk" had just send me a big big surprise when i discovered there was some oily stain on my Jay Chou Screen and it made it so obvious on a white background.What? Truly Sad.

So My Santa Claus please grants my wish that my Dearie Jay Chou Will be having a strong body and good health.And as well as my small little wish that everyone shares the joyfulness in this ultimate bliss day.

Going off to Penang tomorrow.For a runaway vacation.Till then.

Adios.

I love teddy:)

Call Me the Teddy Toun

Sometimes is Unbearable

2009-12-23T01:02:00.000-08:00

Hmm.Finally.Left 1 subject-My favourite one but it dissapointed me once in mid term. And sadly it dissapoint me again today. It should be easy and logically. How sad is it when you realise you did it wrongly when you thought you did it right in the exam hall. Is unbearable.

I often called back to mummy and tell her how painful i am during this period.And suddenly i thought of My dear piggy Soo who is alone in New Zealand and having her test,exam and assignment like i do.Seriously, Felicia Soo Wei Yeen.I am Damn proud for you.Haha. Although it was not me who obtain the flying-colour result but it brings overwhelming satisfaction in me too.
I don't know how you did it but truly i adore it very much. You grow,man. But i am still the old sin toun who will hide in her blanket and cry because she did silly mistakes in her exam. I am 18 years old and supposed to get rid of this immaturity already but yet it still stick in me. Very good.

Regret for wasted time is more wastage of time.I kept reminding myself about that.Bt writting blog seems to help me express some of the unhappy and unsaitisfaction i endure. It was my mistake but why should i do this kind of mistake again and again? Couldn't i just be more smart and careful? I kept asking myself.Why shouldn't i be a perfect scorer? When perfect is not something impossible to achieve.It seems this perfectionism create more stress which kills my brain cells dramatically.Great!

Sun is shinning brightly outside.But this blue sun was having her blue day because of the big "X" on her exam paper.It is unbearable.

And is time for her to eliminate the other blue on christmas eve.Is the last paper. Hopefully it will shine like a star instead of a blue sun:)

It was just another not-so-good day.Human made mistake and i had to considered this as another hardly bearable ones in my life.

Be good.Be careful.

Toun

Perfect

2009-12-17T18:28:00.000-08:00

Is a simple plan.Currently wasting more time while my mind keep reminding me is Monday- my finals. Regret for wasted time is more wastage of time. But i don't know why.I seriously just don't feel like studying.Do you get what i mean?

I am way back people for two days for not completing my report on last weekends.And i slept like nobody business today.Whats more now?I am blogging.

Scientific research proved that i don't really have the mood to study for EXAM.Maybe i shouldn't. Study for a better understanding.Then i shall perform better!

Yesterday was a bad day but surprisingly it turned out to be quite a nice one. I am looking forward for the pearl orient trip.

Happy Advance Merry Christmas! And finger-crossed for my paper:)

I can do it!And i will do it!

“Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong.”

Toun

A Forever Promise

2009-12-11T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life,you find a special friend.

Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it.

Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop.

Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world.

Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it.

This is forever friendship.

When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full.

Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times.

If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows without you saying a single word.

If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on.

Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay.

And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry.

You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

I am lucky to have so many of them.

F.C.J.T.Y.K.S Thanks for holding my hands.

Toun

I had a bad day>_<''

2009-12-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

I had a bad day.Seriously.A very bad one.

Self-conscious i felt again. When i can't do things well. Maybe i was not fully-prepared on the chemistry test on monday.All in all, I admit that it was not bad when compared with others but what life is if we just kept looking behind. To progress, we need to aim for the peak and there I was aiming so hard to reach for the highest point.

Rambutan said it was nearly impossible and burdening if i was going to be perfectionism in every exam to obtain the highest or perfect scores. Yes, indeed. "Bumi mana yang tidak ditimpa hujan" a favourite Malay proverb of mine who keep reminding me to embrace my own imperfections for the fact that i am just a human. A flesh and mind who hardly stop the fate and its control.

I just don't want to give up. I want to go beyond my own limitations and i shall remember that life is not all about exam and scores sometimes. Maybe i am pushing myself too hard against the wall because i once did that but was having another perspectives which i choose to enjoy life last time and now it back to round one again. perhaps things changed and i need time to endure.

Ignorance is the best way.It felt so much better when my life stop circling about all those soap dramas and "faithful" actress. It still sting in the heart because i was not mend to be a cruel person neither ignorance character. But as i said.I went beyond my limitations and i guess it was the best thing to do for now. But it still hurts because i was once faithful in it. Nevertheless time heals and karma does happens.

I spend 5 hours on a piece of work and now i am blogging.It was not supposed to be but sometimes a break is necessary to rest the mind. And blogging uncertainly acheive that goal while help in improving my proficiency in English. At least i felt that way.

Seriously, i was disappointed with myself yesterday. I enjoyed sharing and speaking in front of people as if i am a teacher. And before that, i was to make sure myself was well-prepared for it. Because time and tide waits for no man and so do chances. But i lose my only chance yesterday. I can see dissapointment and confuse on the faces of lecturers and friends. I felt lost and lonely. It does left a not so pleasant image about me in the eye of others. But who knows? It might be another play by Him. Or a reminder that I am just simply flesh that will made mistakes no matter how hard or how badly i don't want it to happened. Simply human. Or should i said simply imperfections.

A bad day concluded so many things. Suprisingly. I knew there is always hope after the dark tunnel and soon my grey will fade away.

Guess the old me had been back.At least i still owns my passion and faith which will eventually overweight the flaws. I believe. The Nescafe do keep me awake and maybe it did some magic trick on me.

Is a beautiful day today. I will soon see you. Knowing that keeps me happy. And thinking of you makes me happy too.

I had a bad day and luckily it was yesterday:)

Toun

Smile in trouble

2009-12-04T17:48:00.000-08:00

Seriously,honestly,sincerely, i wasted a lot of seconds this week. My father was giving advice on monday about saving 30 minutes per day will aids in saving a lot of seconds per week. But yet, i just don't have the urge to study and do my homework this week compared to my crazyness waking up at 4 midnight for the past few weeks. I don't know what happened.Maybe i just felt vey tired and exhausted mentally.

Smile in trouble.I will tried. Better be alone than in bad company. Sorry for making everyone worried. I know i am not the same crazy old me.But i will be good.And one day the same crazy silly me will be back. They have shown me what can they do without me.And is time for me to show them what i can do without them. And i knew somehow i am not being abandoned by anyone else, i still have a bunch of true friends willing to support me without counting what advantages they can gain from me. Is my decision to stay alone rather than pretending every second how happy and grateful i am to have them.

Piggy soo,you will be back in less than 24 hours.And so do my heart.

Is time to buckle up.No more wasting time.Final is coming.

One day you will still left me.But before that, just give me a notification.I just need to be notified. Thats all.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world take us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days,smiles when sadness intrudes,rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighthen your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to knoew yourself, patience to accept the truth and my love to complete your life."

Toun @ Happy to have you

The bonds

2009-11-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

She had a pleasant holiday.But it made her less concentrate in doing homework.

She had a new hairstyle. Everyone was shocked to see the new her or should i called as a him? Very very short hair but nevertheless she loved it. A new era of hair. People were discussing all around about her hair. She can predicted it when she stepped into the class. However she received quite a lot of compliment from the friends and some even said :"Cantik gila." Hmm. She was happy honestly. SHe was praised for her efficiency in teaching. She just enjoyed standing in front and shares the knowledge. Maybe one day she will be teaching.Who knows?

Carrying her new converse bag, she was teased by the cute fellow. Cute means by adorable but ugly. Haha. She had the mood to tease people today because of her brand new bag. She just loved to buy bags.Sling and backpack especially.This was her first hand-carry. All are her favourites.

DOing her lab report.All about atoms.

Soon enough.You will be back.And is my time for reunion:)

Exam coming soon.She can smell the tense spreading in the air.It made her feel a little panic.

I Love You

Toun

New Moon

2009-11-28T08:55:00.000-08:00

Had been wasting many time seriously.And i hate myself for that. Guilty.

Bought a laptop skin but wasted again because did not read instructions carefully.My fault.

Watched new moon. Nicer than twilight although Edward appears less than Jacob. But i enjoyed the whole movie and especially this line:" I love you.But Don't make me to choose.I will choose him. It had always been him". If for me, i will go for Jacob. I likes Edward very much but i guess I am just looking different things compared to Bella:) And the truth is: We are different people with different kind of minds.

Actually i knew
It is better for us to be friends
But i can't control where my heart is supposed to be
because i love you deeply
Actually i knew
Love is not exactly the ones i had imagined
But i just can't help to hold it tightly
Because i love you more than i ever do

Toun.Black.

Drawing on the sand

2009-11-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

Had been wasting a lot of time on sleeping, tv-ing and lepaking. Homework remained piling at the back.

There had been some conflicts happened lately.I am tired of handling those tangling strands. You are what your thoughts made. If you think i did anything wrong and want me to took the whole responsibilities of bringing us to where we are now, then fine i will took it. If you still wanted to stand at the same point and kept blaming me for being fake with you, then fine shout more, i want to moves on. I am exhausted. Just let me moves on with my life. With or without you.

I had been facing some problems in producing reports. The last biology report on the pattern of behavior are the worst among all because i can't bare to finished it on time.Seriously. I am tired of my perfectionism.

Holidays sound perfect this time. To rest both my soul and mind. Although i wasted a lot of time on leisure:)

Last but not least, Gary and Alicia!Congrats. You looks sweet together.

Life is not all about you and me. Without you, i might not able to complete the dance. But obstacles are mend for growing. I will and i should dance joyfully.

Toun

Happy Birthday Piggy Soo:)

2009-11-23T10:18:00.000-08:00

Today is my darling sister-Piggy Soo 18th birthday! I had been started to count down since yesterday because she was in New Zealand and the times differences are like 5 hours and since she is the main character today, so i had to followed her time.Been reminding my friends to reminds me i have a very important thing to do at 7pm.Luckily, i was able to stay awake by bathing as i had a very tiring schedule today.Anyway, Piggy Soo! Today is a very important for you and also alots of your friends including me lol! I will be celebrating your birthday without you in Malaysia.Don't worry it may seems a little quite in Auckland, But you know there are a big big differences compared in Malaysia. So What will i Do tomorrow? Btw, do you receievd my flowery card? Hopefully it reached on time if not i will cry die.

Plan for tomorrow- I slept from 8.30 to 11.30 and decided not to sleep because i have 2 reports in mind.But don't worry i will remember you during my process of dealing with atoms.And i have maths, chemistry and biology tomorrow. Oh,Maths reminds me of you. Then, after a busy tangling schedule, i will be having a nice lunch and also dinner. Honestly, foods remind me of you too. Remember we both have big stomach and once we ordered so many things in Genting Highlands. Ooops.Secret.Haha. Then Then Then, i will be back to Cyberjaya and looking out of my window.Maybe there are some nice pilots who will stop the aeroplane and fetch me through Atlantic Seas and met with my darling sister.Maybe right? Who knows:)

All in all. Tomorrow will be the day i seeing Felicia Soo So frequently appearing and overlapping my life. p.s i often see you though.Haha.

Piggy Soo.Don't think you are not important. You are 100x very important for me:) Who asks you offered to turn my world around wor.Is time for me to coloured your life pulak.

Lastly, Happy 18th Birthday Felicia Soo. Hmm.I don't think i need to elaborate much in here already because the most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touch, it must be felt within the heart. You are undoubtedly the most beautiful things that i ever wished for.

p.S: Rambutan dan Chan jgnlah envy pulak.You two are categorised the No.1 ranking too in my heart.Lol:)

I commit a whole bunch of sins these days.What happened to me? I wants back the good old me.

Toun@confessing

The Halt

2009-11-19T19:14:00.000-08:00

Is just like other day in this rainy November. Bust yesterday was a bad one.

She was sound first time in her 18 teen years. Not to talk on the phone too long. Maybe she was too overwhelmed to get her first postpaid line and not aware of the over usage. But her mood was not too good.

She was once in mist because hard works she gave does not returns in anything. But yesterday biology paper proved her wrong. She thought she screw the first paper in mid semester because after a small discussion with her friends,she get almost all questions wrong and that made her helpless for the remaining papers.Her spirit was torn. But she found out that there are no absolute in this world and when you thought you do good, the result was not satisfying but when you thought you did it badly, it may suprise you.She was happy honestly, at least she knew her hard work finally paid. She can be better and she is not a loser anymore.

After the draggy class, night falls. Along with her friends, she waited for the bus. She was tired and exhausted as she had another assignment to be done. And she came across a question when she was doing a small quiz." Do You feel comfortable when you are in a merry or quiet situation. And which do you prefer?" without second thought, she goes to the second one. It seems like although she enjoy being under the spotlight, but it had been a burden for her lately. She don't feel like talking and doing silly jokes anymore. She was searching for sedimentation i guess. On the bottom concentrating only on her study.

Her Jay Chou was knocked on the head again due to her unawareness. And just now she only realise that her Black Backpack had a big hole in it.Just bought it 3 months ago. But sincerely this is her 2nd favourite bag after her blue one and the sling bag.She loves Body glove bags. Maybe is time for her to do some sewing.

Low production day.But still She enjoyed the gloomy Saturday because of her mom and aunt.

Story often reflects on our life.Do You?

The Continuous

2009-11-17T03:10:00.001-08:00

Apparently, the story continued. The day start with Maths class. "Ohh yea. My maths tutor is miles away in New Zealand now probably counting the numbers of sheeps there." daydreaming she was.

Finished a long journey of knowledge seeking, she was tired and emotionless. Her brain was numb and so do her fingers. But sadly she had another 2 report to be done tonight. All her faults for fail to resist the temptation of sleeping early the day before. Introduction and Discussion. She was a perfectionist in doing laboratory report and it often murdered so much of her time. Yet she received quite good comment on her hardwork and it burdens her a lot now. Because she was so afraid of unable to live on people expectation. She stucked the whole night and frankly speaking. By hook or by crook, she was expected to produced it by tonight.

Hoo.What a high expectation day she had! And while busy doing her intoduction, her Jay Chou went blank because the uncle in campus eventually shut down the cable and ta-da no electrical supply. Her heartbeat lost by 1 track because she had not saved her work yet. Luckily Jay Chou was strong enough but lets not have another heart attack anymore:( If Jay Chou got immune, he will slept forever.

And now alone she was doing her report in the campus which was merry with noises at the day but now not even a single sound. She was scared a little but her homework... Haiz...

She had no other options tonight.

Her life was a story.

The Story

2009-11-16T04:02:00.000-08:00

Slowly, she reached upon her phone on the bedside. "Auch.Heat." she muttered the two words and unwillingly she woke up and found that her phone was like a small oven radiating heat. The screen was dark and seems like her phone went into dead state. " Shoot! Again." declared dead.

Founding out her phone spoiled was a prologue of a bad day. The chemistry quiz on the following day made her hardly slept at night and her mind was full of energy transformation where she wish she can transform too. To a life without exams. Wearing her thick warm jacket, she went to school. Her pant was a little wet. The morning was a mixture of moist and smelly. Maybe because of the dead fish in the pond.

Taking the black body glove backpack and laptop in her bag, she swifted through crowd and made her way into the bus. Again. Packed with working and studying folks. The starting of the day wasn't so good. The quiz was hard and she realised she did wrongly for some simple calculation questions. Sighed. "Whats wrong with me?" she can hardly understand what the lecturer tried to express on the whiteboard. All she can think of was zillion lines stuffed in a small grid space. "Arghh.I hate Maths." she mumbled. Another quiz later. And supringsly she finished quite early. But rains was falling so heavily and she felt moody again due to the rainny day.

He wore a black shirt today. With grey lines lining neatly on the black background. He smiled sweetly and she felt lightning stroked. "Why must he smiled at me?" "Maybe he isn't" she can felt butterflies flying cheerfully in her stomach. She had this small little affections to him long ago. But she thought it was normal for a growing teen. And deep down the fragile heart, she knew they were two horizontal lines which will not intercept at the same point. Not now neither in the future. But the way he looked at her just melted her heart and she barely resist the urge to look into his eyes and feels the same as he does. Love and affections. Are like Maths and Physics which make her feel sick.

The story ended.

With dead silence.

p.s: This is just a story:)

Blue Sun

2009-11-14T17:57:00.000-08:00

Supposed to blog on 11th November 2009 because it was our SPM 1 Year anivessary. Dear 5 beeians, we had live without each other for more than a year and hopefully everyone is still doing good without forgetting the spirit of 5 Bee. 1 year passes in a blinking of an eye and me myself already passed the 18th boundary. Things happening too fast and i hardly grasp my breathe.

Just came back from biology field trip.Very nice outing except the raining part which made the animals choose to hibernate instead of grabbing freedom in air.So we missed a lot of fun during bird watching and all.But conclusion, i love to be close to nature. The greenish reminds me a lot about CBN and the monkeys. I still not so sure the best part of my life ended or just begun.

Having 2 subjects quiz tomorrow but i just can't concentrate and study. And not forgetting 2 lab report.I know there will be a few of sleepless night soon. I want to study but somehow my mind can't. Hmm.Dilemmaing.

Blue Sun the name had been followed me for more than 6 years ever since i got my 1st internet connection.Why Blue Sun? Everyone had been asking me. I can't figure it out myself too because it was created under some randomness i guess. But slowly i think that maybe i want to be a sun who brings warmth to the others but sometimes the heat radiated by the reddish orange sun seems to be a little irritating and brings sowful burning. Blue is a serenity colour. It still brings warmth to the others, neither too hot or cold.Just sooting feeling. Life can't always be sunny day and thats why i choose blue. Behind the coldness, you can still find a little warmth. Pei Xi once written " Don't be the sun who brings the blues, be the star that guide us through". But i still want to be the blue sun.Miserable sometimes but inner deep i will find my own way.

The story of life is quicker than a blink of an eye.The story of love is hello, goodbye.

Toun

Winning

2009-11-05T02:01:00.000-08:00

I tried my best although the outcomes were not the ones i expected. Result coming out on Monday and is not the time for self pitying again.

Winning at the beginning of races doesn't mean that you will win at the end. A loser in a race will also stand a chance to win at the end of race. Yes you are good in everything, you seldom made mistakes but all humans have flaws and i believe you do.

I am not admiting i am way too bad compared with you. Everyone is equal and losing in this race doesn't promise i will lose to you too in the future.

Winning and competing for the aim of beating you were not my cup of teas. I am searching for self progessing. It might be slow and less benefits at the beginning but at the end of journey these are the things which nurture the souls of mine.

You just lose a chance to develop your inner strength and also your power as you don't know your limitations. Standing too high doesn't mean you will get the most beautiful scenery in life. Challenges are part of life journey that will only bring you closer to what you dream to be. And you lose another chance to grows.

I will excel in my own ways.And life is not about the 4.00 you get is about how you utilise your strength and benefits the other. Progressed in a whole not one.

AToun.

I am Sad:(

2009-11-04T03:00:00.000-08:00

Ever since I stepped my feet on Cyberjaya, my things had hardly have a peaceful day. My Sony Ericsson dropped into my cloth basket on the first week of my arrival here.And it took almost 2 months to be with me.And after only 2 weeks, it getting crazier. The button seems to all mixed around and it love to connect with the web.I didn't knew she loves Facebook or digi so much until want to connect so frequently:)

And not mentioning my "suddenly disappear" stuff. Today, when i went back to hostel and wanted to settled down and do my homework. I on my small blue fan brought by my mother from Kl Home sweet home. It was my saviour man, help me gone through so many sleepless night by providing a cooler sleeping environment and undoubtedly my room mate benefits from it too. She was with me days and nights, like a wind breeze guide me through the haze when i am revising. And ta-da, she stop functioning today.No presignals.Nothing.It work perfectly sweet yesterday night and this afternoon, declared dead. I love my fan seriously. And my mother said it will be more advisable to buy a new one. But mummy i seriously love my fan and it had been with me quite a long time in Kl although we seldom use it in home. But we still kept it and it brighthen my days in this lonely Cyberjaya.You see.She is not useless.But why? You choose to leave me tonight:(

Ok.Forgive me.I am becoming jiwang.But jiwang and crazyness are the two things i miss the most here. Read Sixth former blogs recently. Hectic but yet meaningful life.

I had made a choice and now i can understand why people said this. When you made a choice or decision in life, you will have to bear the consequences and also made the sacrifices. I had made mine.And Despite good or bad consequences, i will have to carried it myself. Have you?

Toun reminiscing

Happiness

2009-11-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to update this long ago.Mr Shahril my lecturer for professional communication and presentation asked us to define happiness.My happiness was once make others happy. As i grows up,my happiness was the crazyness i bear to endure life. And now my happiness is "Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect, it means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections". My happiness has imperfections and flaws. Once i thought that happiness is when you have your life in control, everything is on the right track and all you have is sunny day. But suprisingly my life somehow doesn't follow the ordinary path. I am climbing very very hard on this mountain.With all the ropes around strangling me. The surrounding was timid and the air flows through nostril were chilling. I tried my best but sadly not much positive outcomes. I work hard and i don't feel there is much different with the others.But why?

My mid semester exam just over.And overall :Average.I had been long at the average boundary. I don't want to be average anymore.Why can't i cross over the line? But everything seems so challenging. They refuse to let me crossed and wanted me to stay patiently quietly in my region. I had been classified. And i don't like that feelings.

Will be going to Malacca again this week for camping. I need to buy a Phua Chu Kang Boots. Slippery muds.Hope i will be fine.

"Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks"

Toun

Fast and Furious

2009-10-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

Having exam this week.Will update very soon.Stay tune.

Hapiness is a voyage.Not a destination:)

Toun Missing Everyone

Attention Please!

2009-10-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

People People and People:

I need you to do me a favor.Tomorrow will be the day i reach 18SX Boundary. But, firstly i need to collect 1018 birthday wishes in order for me to proceed.

So.Give me a birthday wish.In Facebook,Chatbox( Blog),Friendster or Message to my phone. All are welcomed.

Btw.Happy Deepavali,Folks.

p.s: Spread the news.Grammacy:)

Toun@Mrs CHou

Skating in the hard shell of life

2009-10-13T05:00:00.000-07:00

Yes.Jay Chou scratch.And i don't even know when and how and why? Thought of using laptop screen polish.But i scare it will become worse.As in later the colour faded? I stare blanky at the scratch for nearly 20 minutes on sunday. I was really really upset.Gosh. Yet it happened. And i will find a way to solve it.

Many presentations had been done lately.However it seems a little bit difficult to score this semester.Somehow the chemistry amongst group member is lacking.And i found myself back to the situation when i was to lead pauline. Great leader is not about bringing only yourself to the peak but is about bringing everyone with you. I only knew that after a hard hit on ground.

The biology poster about biologically important molecules is very creative.We finished it and slept at 5am.Imagine. Puna Hidayah loves our ideas and it shown crystal clear on her face.Yet we forgot to include the title and 10marks gone.Sad indeed.It was a silly mistake and not worth to loss any marks.Yet i am satisfied about the outcomes because teacher loves our poster and we knew that we somehow succeed although we loss marks on minor aspect.

Today was all about chemistry sketch presentation.I play the character of Robert Boyle. I felt very excited before our presentation because we put quite an effort in it.Props, costumes and i even have wigs made by newspaper.Creative. However the flow was not that smooth and a bit of miscommunication. Teacher did love Robert Boyle but grammar part was not so nice. Honestly, i am dissapointed.

Friday-another upcoming 3D show about biology-Receptor mediated endocytosis. Hopefully we will do well this time and lets no regret.

" Forgetting you is just as simple as memorising the 20 elements in periodic table.It takes time but it works."

Toun Skating in the Deep Blue Sea

I am Sad

2009-10-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

My Jay Chou has a 10cm scratch on it's shell.Yes.It is black in colour but is still visible.

I am Sad

Seriously

2 Months and 8 days.

Today is The "T" Day

2009-10-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Today is the "T" Day which means is Tan Pei Xi 18th Birthday today!! Sorry for the late dedication of blog post to you.Have a lots of paper works upcoming and i didn't plan to sleep on your big day. Lol.

Dear T.Rambutan, Hope you enjoy your T day!Miss you a lot:)

Nothing much to say on your T Day as i said it in the previous blog post special dedicated for you.

She is the wind breeze
Who blew into my soul
She is the sunlight
Which enlighten my bluish sky
She is the key keeper
Of the memory in my heart
She is my everything
And her everything is mine

With Loves,

Toun

Diving on the horizon

2009-09-28T09:52:00.000-07:00

Suppose to sleep right now or another option-study.But i just felt a need to express how i felt tonight.

Saw Wan Wan's blog today.A mixture of feelings spinning inside my stomach and stimulate some electrical response to my brain and then my tears drop down on my Jay Chou.

Happy moments flew furiously.But i start to felt times is crawling slowly.Reminds me of a poem we loves the most during secondary school:"tomorrow,tomorrow and tomorrow..."I start the same routine everyday,felt the same feeling everyday,and stab by the same cruel facts everyday.

I had been a blogger for almost 2 years written more than 100 posts but my readers rate was so behind compare to wan wan's one. I always thought i was a better writer than wan wan.But i forgot she grows up and many things i did not know anymore.She change.I change.We both change. Things are not as simple as they seems from surface.

I start to feel growing up is a maturing phrase where i can really took responsibilities.I grows up and start to handle things and house chores on my own.Fixing my curtains,Climbing over walls to pick up missing things.Was once a hard task and now it seems quite challenging yet enjoying. This is a phrase where i can really grows mentally and physically. The changing of prospectives , the nature of oneself, the questioning.All happens at one time. When i grows up,i feel the gap between my mother and I becoming smaller.I can almost reach her hearts.I can start to feels what she feels,thinks like how she does and act like a husband to her. Is very relief.

Sleep very late lately.I can hardly sleep at night.Maybe because of stress?I don't know.I just knew that there were tonnes of assignments,homework and lots of lots of reading.

Things are getting complicated and hard to read.Should i dive deeper?

It only took a few second to looks into my eyes and felt the same feelings as i do.

Toun keep believing

White Horse

2009-09-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

I have some new hobbies lately.One of it is collecting recycling bag!Lol.My mummy also notice that. Weird i know.But i just can't resist the colour temptation.Anyway,another hobby of mine is keychain.Actually it was once my favourite past time,and i am glad i found it back.

Had many unfinished homework and assignments piling at the back of me.I want to ignore but.... Is not in any of my options.Wan Wan is messing my kingdom!I can't find my belongings.Ish.How confusing it is when you have 2 home.Haiz.

Just read my dear lui lui post.I will not mention who is she.Feel like giving her some encouragement and support.I agree that your action are the best method to avoid yourself getting deeper and then lost track.

Fell in love with White Horse by Taylor Swift.Especially this line:"I'm not a princess.This ain't a fairytale....Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around".

I am not good in sharing these kind of things.It felt so hard to express the feelings and thoughts in front of people.But let bygones be bygones.I am strong enough to look back and smile because of what happens.He is different.At least i thought he would.We met as a friend but ended as?I still not so sure about that.Is hard to be friends anymore.When i look at you and knew that we will not overlapping each other's life anymore.You move on.I have my own life.But sometimes when i can't control the eager to know how are you and i read your happenings ,i felt some part of me was still left behind.Sometimes i wondered which element do we lack that causes not a single chemistry happens.Like attract like.And i thought both of us will.I don't want to confuse myself with tiny little things that you shown.Misconception is harmful.You never say a thing and just tell me to wait.Yet you forgot time never wait.And so do me.I walk past the places we used to sit together and i smile because i once wasted my time to wait for you and your white horse that will never comes.And now.Friends are hard to be.You didn't do anything bad to me but your nothing hurts me.Thanks :D I am more urge to pursue my happiness in other perspective. I hope you too.

I love to see aeroplane flew past my windows.It reminds me of my dream.

"I'm not a princess.This ain't a fairytale." "I'm a dancer.This is my stage."

Adios.

Beyond the Boundaries

2009-09-21T02:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Folks.It is me again.Had been a while i stop blogging and ideas seems to having a vacation somewhere i can't find.Sometimes people asked me :"what you blog actually?How to write blogs?". Sincerely,i don't know.I just write what i feel like writing sometimes i role play sometimes i write a poem sometimes i just type a word.But i felt lost when i firstblog because i tend to write what people wants to read but not what i want to express.Blog is something personal.You write what you want but with borders of course.

Undoubtedly,i am a questioning person.I love to wonders and thinks.I have a lot of questions popping in and out every moment and sometimes it bothers me.I enjoy personal time alone.This is when i can do my own thinking,reviewing my problems and find the best solution.It had been a while i lost my serenity,my blues.Time flies.And i felt so hard to keep the same pace with it.I had been thinking a lot lately about the good old days when i was still wearing my blue uniform.The faces i miss a lot.The school which yet to be discovered it's hidden secret.Reminiscing the past i supposed is my new habit.Which i don't want to get rid.

My Jay Chou is working very nice with me lately.Have to find a skin and bag for him.Haha.If not walking light.Lol.This holidays have many assignments and discussions.But i enjoy doing it at least my holidays will not be wasted like the previous ones.

Malacca trip was nice.Thanks to Nicole.But somehow i felt something was missing.Maybe my mood wasn't there.My mother and aunt both gulai me before the trip.Caught a flu and headache. Thanks to satay celup yeah.Over ate i guessss.Haha.But very nice!

Met with an old schoolmates that day.Shock when i met him.Never thought of having a chance again sitting face to face with him.I Still remembered him as he was a trouble maker to me last time.I had to sacrifice my recess period to teach him karangan about sports day.Lol.And his maths was terrible.So many mistakes and still refuse to do corrections.Every maths period i had to stand because of him who did not do his correction.My revenge was scribble his exercise books with red pen and feel free to stand when maths period.Lol.Naughty.But now we were totally strangers.I did not told him who i am.My mother asked is it because of shame.Seriously i just felt there is no reason why i must tell him who i am.Maybe he felt guilty of his past or even he will feel uncomfortable with my presence.We are from different world.We don't share the same things anymore.But somehow a tiny little voice in my head said that maybe i should tell him who i am.Because he was once a friend and a part of my past.Even though now he is not.

Happy Advance Birthday.Wan Wan.Hope that you can soon Found the true meaning of life and embrace it.

I am stepping on my own boundaries.Limitations is not an explanation to me.

I seldom think of my limitations, and they never make me sad. Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.

Toun

A Baju Kurung Day

2009-09-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Yes.I have 2 baju kurung and 2 baju kebaya.A lot i know.And i am wearing my orange one which looks a lot like punjabi suit.Lol.

Just remember that i went with rambutan pei that day to Petronas Art Gallery.Totally random visit.We walk pass the front door and thinking of why not we go and have a new perspectives since i had nver been to there.I can only do these stuff with rambutan,chan,piggy,jean,mei and all.Random,crazy but undoubtedly memorable.There showed a lot of advertisement on festivals by petronas.What catch my eyes was the appearance of convent bukit nanas.Long time didn't go back school and haunt the teachers.Rambutan,next station eh?

Got Back my Final Exam Semester result That Day.Average i Would Said.One Quote to summarise how i felt:

"You are all Champions in your own way.That doesn't mean you have to be number 1 or be the best.Just do your best.If you aren't first,then make those people ahead of you break records by pushing them with your personal best.Consider for a moment what we achieve from athletics-The sheer fun of competing-the building of a healthy and alert mind and body-stamina, courage,perseverance,dedication,commitment,selflessness and most importantly,the will to excel."

Certainly,i will strive hard.

Going Malacca on Friday.Going home on Sunday.Nice plan.

Kevin Wong Pak Seng:"Haha.Bu Shuang Means Angry.Haha.No Deny.Where is the office har? Lol."

We hide because we want to be found,we walk away to see who will follow,we cry to see who will wipe away our tears,& we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them.

Toun Still Smiling

The 118th

2009-09-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

Was planning to update blog as frequent as possible within this "Holiday" week.But then somethings goes wrong about my streamyx and ta-da no on9 for 3 days.And today will be the day i return to cyberjaya and bid farewell to Kuala Lumpur:)

Was doing nothing this week.Feel aimless when physic textbook was not around.Sometimes holiday makes me feel more lazy.Went out with Pei Xi on Wednesday.Watch Up again!Watch it in PPStream before this.Still i feel like tears rolling down when i watch the part where the husband and wife living together and treat each other as the center point of life.It is hard to find the person who you can still hold his/her hands when you both are old.Mine was missing and i will go and find it.Am i?Haha.

Angry about myself.I always do some mistakes and often these mistakes brings many inconvenience and troubles to people around me.I hate to say this.Same thing goes to streamyx that day and also photocopy yesterday.Photostate 600 pages and one cost me RM0.05.I Photocopy a book which cost so much more than buying it in colour pages.Feel so cheated and so angry.My Hak Dicabuli a!Will not go to that shop anymore.But Sorry Ah Sa because of my mistake and you have to photocopy that book which cost so much.Arghhh....

Suscribe broadband.So Piggy Soo.I will increase the possibility of running into you per day.

Starting new semester.Life is good.

There’s a little truth behind every ‘just kidding’, a little curiosity behind every ‘just wondering’, a little knowledge behind every ‘I don’t know’, a little emotion behind every ‘I don’t care’, and a little kick of lie behind the distant eyes of someone saying ‘I don’t love you.’

Toun

Rainnnnnnnn

2009-08-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

Rainy day.

Kl Day.

Home day.

I miss u Day.

Toun

p.s updating soon:)

Darling's Birthday!

2009-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

First Person Beyond 18 SX

Miss Darling Chan Ee Yin

Looks like i Am the only one Did not wish her through Blog.Haha.So Miss Chan sekarang Masih 23-7-2009 according to Cyberjaya Humans' Time.So Happy Birthday Darling!May you enjoyed without me yea!

Apalah.We only have 1 Single Photo together!Miss Chan.We Should Take more Pictures already!
Lol.Why my lepaking days so hard to reach nowaday la.Miss Soo-The Head of Lepak Please Fast Forward New Zealand Time Yea.Left Me and Chan very hard to reunion leh!Chan ee Yin.RMB Me during your breakfast tomorrow!Haha.

Next-Lee XIN yi

hAPPy Birthday Flowers No.4.Hope You Enjoy the Blast of Your Big Day!

Toun

Missing You.

2009-08-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

It had been a nice week.Time flies.No Quiz this week.Less Stress this week.Good sleep everynight.Wonderful Days i have with my jay chou.

But Some pieces of me still missing somewhere which i could hardly reach.I think i am still missing you.I have a heart attack that day when i saw you standing and smiling at me.Like the first time we met.Falling all over again.My heart popping like it is not belongs to me.I miss you.All of you.Deeply.

Yes.I don't know how much time it takes to meet with all of you again.Living together.I don't know how to create such a bonding again.I feel i am not longer able to achieve my hapiness level as easier as i am with you.I fake a smile that everyone saw including me.

I am still clumsy as usual.Having Jay CHou in my life would definitely make me a bit softer i guess.Drop the battery on 2nd day.Crooked in its shape.Hmm.Sorry Dear!Start losing things. I guess i am just not very smart in keeping my own things.

HuHu.A pre exam period which i can still enjoy my sleep.Good.

Thinking of You.

I ain't a princess.This ain't a fairytale.You and your white Horse will never comes.

Reality which i forgotten.

My Son,Mummy,Daddy and Grandma.

Toun

Arrival of My Dear Jay Chou

2009-08-04T19:17:00.000-07:00

Yes Yes.My Jay Chou arrived safe and sound on the 2nd of August 2009.He is no other person but my dear Asus U50V.Hehe.

Black in colour and slender i would describe.But lol.I found our chemistry is lacking abit.I don't really know how to utilise him.And i just discover i can't sign in to messenger.My God!!

It had been a while Since my last post.My dear reader,miss me not?Lol.

Dear Rambutan,Piggy Soo and Darling CHan.Faster come and find me at cyberjaya!I miss you all lol.Miss my lepaking day in Mcd and Fele House.Haha.

Mood swinging.I don't like rainy day.

Welcome Jay Chou!Hopefully both of us will get along and forging our relationships throughout this long long years.

Adios!Cheer~~

(My calculator change its theme from zoo to garden.Haha.)

Have a heart attack that day.

Toun

Uncertainty of My Life

2009-07-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

Learn about uncertainty in measuring devices in first chapter of physic lessons.It conclude that every measurements are associated with uncertainties.And i realize same applied to one's life.

Taking this path that has so much of unavoidable uncertainties definitely alter my life a bit.My first lab report regarding uncertainty had been checked and returned.51/60.Not a very good mark you see.My First quiz was 10/12.I begin to doubt is this careers fits me?or i should take the offer to study psycology.Am i capable to save ones life when i can't even take control of my own one?I should not have this uncertainty in me by now.I should focus and finished all my pile homework by now.An essay.2 assignment.1 tutorial.2 lab report.and a quiz.But uncertainty leads to error that causes imperfect value.oK.I am just procrastinating.

I miss everyone so badly.Rambutan i can't forget your tortoise.I did not see even one in Cyberjaya unless i went to the park.Piggy Soo.I wish we were still in same class.With you,i feel so much calm because you were there to backup me.We were separted by a big big ocean.But our heart never.I believe what you believe.And do be a wonderful actuarist!

I try to be truly happy.But many things puzzled around.I fake a smile that everyone can see.

Maybe i am still not used to the life that have no more you and me.

Is this a mere fantasy or dream-come-true reality.

Toun

First And For All

2009-07-12T00:09:00.000-07:00

Swinging mood.Fluctuation i would say.Persuading is no more an option.

Many Daring Choices had been made throughout 18 years.I am always trying new things,exploring my very first time.The most challenging one will be the time i had been sent to Convent Bukit Nanas without any familiar friend from my previous primary school.Sitting alone in the class on my first day.Surrounding me were all faces that yet to be the one that leave the greatest impact in my life.

And again.I Face the most daring moment by choosing not to stay in Form 6 but take up JPA offer to do medicine in Somewhere unknown in Cyberjaya.Yes.I might made a wrong choice for not willing to fight once more in the battle field.Fighting down there was unbearable for me already. The stress drived me crazy during SPM Year.I don't think i have that high spirit to face it again this time.

Alone in Cyberjaya.In AIMST at least i have menaha.In Sunway at least i Have Shwu ling,Li ling, gar Yan and all.Taylor is just next to sunway.But now sealed.I am forever in Cyberjaya.Alone. Great!

Pathetic.Tomorrow First test and i am still sitting here greiving.Self-pitying.

What a great discovery i have today!Urghh.

Toun

Wee Wee!

2009-07-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

Hey Dear All.I Broke the promise for not online until next month.But my intention was good you see.I came to say Hi to let you know that i am still alive!

I love weekends from now on because it will be the day i pack my things and be ready to heading back Kl!So Homesick?Hmm.Not applied on someone who going back home once a week just to sleep on her soft and silky bed for a night.Haha.

So want to know how things going on in Cyberjaya?Leading you to the new world of Generation "Tuts".Yes my name had been transformed from The Nice And Sweet Sin Toun to Sin Tut. So everyone will have Tuts adding behind of their names.Good.

The orientation was very nice.At least i was not awake middle of the night sitting at the park listening lectures from seniors.I guess we were enjoying more than the seniors.We even get a hamper at the end of the day.So Thanks.And i was the best participant!Wakaka.Upholding the name of CBN Yeah!Wearing tudung was hot and hot and hot.How i Know?Try it and you will know.Haha.

Knowing a lot of new friends from all around Malaysia mostly across the Sea.Haha.But i still miss My Kl lepak geng a lot.Sometimes i wonder when will i see the Blue 8991 Toyota Vios park infront of my house and sitting inside are the faces i miss a lot.

Lecturers were fine i guess.Having lab classes twice a week.And lab report had to be prepared before the lesson and trust me it is a long pieces.Fill in the result and hand in after the end of lesson.Assignment.Exams.Tutorial.Discussion.One day complete a chapter.Express.Next monday have my Chpater 1 Exam.30 Minutes.Objectives and Structure.Very good.And the best thing of all.My lecturer read my blog.Mr Shahkri.Welcome!Hope you enjoy the stay on my blog. Haha.And i love the poem i wrote.

Finally i realise life without internet and phone saves so much of my time.And 24 Hours seem sufficient now.Having a normal routine now.Wake up at 6.30.Get on the bus by 7.15.Take my breakfast at Rahim's Bistro.Have lesson till afternoon sometimes evening.Plan my dinner. Groupstudy at E-31-B Or E-50-B.And sleep around 11pm.However The playful Sin Toun always has plan for herself to enjoy life.We went alamanda someday for a movie.Went swimming.Or A short playground trip before we get chased by the guards.Haha.Cyberjaya have a tonnes of entertainment you see.Lol!

Not forgetting my phone which drop again into the water.And Ta-Da.Spoil!Auch.Guess it will be sent back to Kl for repair.Much more expensive to repair it in Cyber.Cost me RM150.So a phone without light now.IC Spoil.Haizz.

Finally.Toun's language is widely spread.Toun's infection is hardly prevent.I have mosquitos bite every inches of my hand.Super Hot in Cyber.

Adios!Miss Everyone.

Toun

E-31-B

2009-07-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

Yes.This is my hostel address from now till next year July.So Chan ee Yin,if you really come haha look for me at here yea.Gaga.

Took my key.Clean My room.And Pack my things.But the hostel compound still yet to be clean.Is team work though.Haha.Still Have not seen any of my housemate or roommate yet.I am sharing with another girl and 6 more others under one roof.Quite "Meriah" as you see.Hopefully everyone is nice and giler like me.Wakaka.

Laptop Still not yet buy.Very interested with Asus coming laptop in Malaysia UX50V.But my dad insist on buying a cheaper ones.You know la i am always clumsy.Haha.Still i like that Asus.So want to persuade them to allow me to buy that.But have to wait till pikom Pc Fair on 31 July.So So no on9 for a month unless i ran back home on weekends.Haha.

Tomorrow First Day.Will be repeating:"Hello,I am Loh Sin Toun From Kl.Nice to meet you. Whats your name?Yea Yea.My name pronounce as "Tun".Yes Sin Toun.Get it?ok.Where are you from?"Etc Etc.haiz.I miss those day when my friend can easily told another person what is my favourite colour and all.They knew everything about me.Even clearer than me sometimes. Haiz.How long do i need to create that kind of chemistry and bonding with my new friends? Unknown.But I will be good.Spreading my Toun's infection and Toun's language there.Don't let lecturers get headache because of me talking too loud back there.Haha.I will behave.Lol!

Will Miss everyone.

Joyful.

Toun

Take Care

2009-06-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

Yes.I am going to take my hostel's key tomorrow,will be moving in on thursday.Should be sleeping now but looking at my stuff unpacked,feel helpless.I am really sucks in housekeeping.Hopefully i will be good in new environment.At least be a little bit neater.Getting lazier these day as what pei xi told,guess i am still in swinging mood.Is time to settle down.

To My Dear Pei Xi,Chan ee Yin,Mei Yan,Jean and Yuling:

I am leaving Kl.Although is only 30minutes travel by car to cyberjaya but still i am not as free and accessible like 7-11.Can't lepak with you all already.Yes,feel sad about it.But distance may keeps us aprt,but our heart don't.So remember me yeah!I will rush back Kl to see all of you!Do Miss Me. Gaga.

To My Dear Felicia Soo Wei Yeen:

Yes.I will be experiencing my first ever hostel life.Feeling excited!But i will still missing you in Cyberjaya.When you come back on December,Drive me home yeah!I will be very proud to be your passenger.Haha.

To My Dear CBN Family(including Kor Kah Yan and My Daughters):

Mummy is leaving!But Do take care yourself please.Especially you Kor Kah Yan.Don't be so stress.Relax~~I will always support you!

To My Dear Golden Flower Geng:

Do Miss Me.And i will Miss you all too geh.Your presents all i will try to get something special and memorable.So do wait for it yeah!Good luck and all the best!

To My Dear Friends:

I promised i would not changed a lot maybe in Body Size?Haha.Try to keep fit now.Lol!Take good care and don't forget me!You will still see me near Kl.Haha.

To My Dear Wan Wan and Family:

Loh Wan Wan,Sotong read your blog already.Very Nice post there a!Sotong will remember your advices geh.And do help me take care of mummy and ah yi o!Don't be naughty liao a.Don't always ponteng school.Must study hard hard.Take care of my stuff when i am gone.Ok? Must jaga diri baik baik.Sotong will try come back home every weekends geh.Will try call you everyday.If i gt credit la.Haha.

To My Dear HouSe and My Stuff:

Your owner me is leaving.But please don't hilangkan diri let me can't find you ok?Stay there. Haha.

Thats all.Farewell!

Bonjour Cyberjaya!!

Toun

Wrong timing~!

2009-06-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

Yes.Wrong timing.Sick.And still have piles of paper work.Not forgetting my packing work.

Sorry yea chan darling!Always ask you find me yumcha.But when you find me,i sure either did not pick up the phone ,or i at outside or i am under detention.And finally i thought today we can go watch transformer together,and yet i am sick yesterday.Surprise yea!I did not thought of that. Haizz.Really sorry eh,chan.Feel so upset bout it.

Many things need to be done.And yet many outing too.I am afraid i can't join golden flower geng genting's outing this time.Really Sorry yea.I wanted to go but i am sick now and i left this weekend only to settled everything before i move to cyberjaya hostel.Forgive Me!And enjoy!

Haiz.I hate to say sorry.

Toun

Daddy's Day

2009-06-20T10:28:00.000-07:00

I missed the postman this morning because i was sleeping.So Monday i Will officially get my JPA offer letter while others getting on today.Yes my mother gulai me bout that.

Have Outing with Pei Xi Yesterday.Movie Marathon again.She is the movie partner which we can watch so many movie in a day.Next time we should increase the number?ok,pei?Angel and demon i was desperate to watch it,rushing like mad woman to pavillion.But in the end missed the 12pm show but luckily made it to 230show.Haha.First Substitute show was The Last House on the left.Creative i would say.The way of death.We laugh till the end.Lol!

Have Outing with Syahirah-My best Friend today in Central Market.Kayong,Jean,Meiyan and Yuling were with us too.Have a short lunch in Secret Recipe.Thanks you syahi for the nice treat!I will belanja you when i go malacca!Miss you so~~Take care yeah!Sorry can't bid farewell on 27th.I Know you want me to be there.

I Wanted to sleep Early starting from today.But somehow failed again.Should be a little more health-concern.I Don't want to have a sick body when i am old.Lol!

Tomorrow is Father's Day.It is not a celebration day in our family.My daddy still pay for the dinner and all.And i only remembered once i gave him ties as present.Card?Maybe when small. Yes.I am really a bad daughter you see. But my dear daddy,if you came across this post someday,i hope you will know despite what you did,i still love you in my own way.I am the eldest daughter.And I am a traditional type of person who does not say "i love you"three words to family.Although i really meant it by heart.No matter what you did,i still respect and continue loving you as my one and only daddy.You might not be the perfect father.You are not the kind of daddy who will fulfills their children's material needs.You are not the type of daddy who is also close friend with their child.You have so much imperfections.You snore during the night.You often mumble at me.You always ask me to study this and that.You scold me because of too into Jay Chou.But i still love you.Because I know you always love me although i refuse to listen your advices, refuse to do things that you want me to do,refuse to love you sometimes. Thanks Daddy.

"I've had a hard life, but my hardships are nothing against the hardships that my father went through in order to get me to where I started. "

Happy Father's Day!

Toun